It's a better day, the swell of painful emotions having eased back into hiding, allowing my soul to breathe again. As I've said before, most days I'm perfectly fine. Of course there are the times when it digs its talons into me and drags itself back to the surface, leaving me helpless to stop it.
I'm sure we all go through it at some point in our lives. No matter the age, it's always a horrific experience. No one is ever truly prepared for the chaos it creates inside. You're functioning perfectly fine one moment and in the next...you feel as though every fiber of your being is about to tear itself apart and leave you bleeding and broken in the wake of its devastation.
Lovely depiction of loss, no?
-shakes her head with a ghost of a smile and takes a drink of her coffee-
On to other things, shall we?
I'm a bit surprised that Faire has flown by so fast this year. Two weekends left, this one included. It's definitely been bittersweet. So much has changed...yet somehow still the same. I, myself, have changed but that's okay. It's odd, in many ways I feel more confident in my own skin and who I am as a person then I ever have. I'm not sure if it's simply because I'm getting older or due to dealing with so many life changing events in such a short amount of time that I've learned how truly precious and short life is and it's pointless to miss out on experiences because of indecision bred out of insecurity and fear. You only get one shot at this (unless you're the Winchesters...-chuckles-) might as well face it head on and experience every moment with child-like innocence and wonder.
I've allowed myself to tear down the veil of my insecurities and have slowly started to step away from that sheltered part that's only hindered me from actually living life to the fullest. I may have lost my footing once or twice but I've gotten back up and kept moving. You'll never truly succeed if you never allow yourself to fail.
That's another thing...I've always been so terribly afraid of being nothing more than a failure. Anyone who knows me well will tell you that's always been one of my biggest hang-ups. I was so scared of just screwing up that it crippled me from even trying. I guess it takes a life altering event...
My Father's Illness, having to become responsible for not only him, myself, my cats, the apartment, my car, his truck, but all the finances by trying to hold two jobs and struggle to keep from suffering a nervous breakdown...only to be forced to leave my childhood home and city behind in the fight to keep my Father here... Move to a town I've never even heard of, witnessing my Father's health continue to decline while trying desperately to remain positive and mentally stable when all I wanted to do was escape and never wake up...
That's just the short version.
I juggled so many things and was too stubborn to just pause and breathe. I felt that I wasn't allowed to. That I had to keep moving. There was no option. People depended on me and no matter how twisted up I was inside, I tried to keep fighting. Because that's all I had left. Even when I screwed up on several occasions due to mental and emotional exhaustion...not understanding why I was suffering from memory loss, or why I'd wake up so many times during the night thinking my Dad was calling out my name, why I felt as though I was in a fog and the world was nothing more than white noise in my head. I was so ashamed of myself. Why I couldn't just function and do things right. I was disgusted with myself for letting loved ones down... To this day I don't know why I couldn't have been better. Why I wasn't more on top of things. Why I failed so miserably at just being an adult.
And just like that, Dad was gone and something inside me snapped. I know now that in his passing, some part of me went with him and I'll never get her back. But that's how this living thing works, right? It's all a huge clusterf*ck of learning and gaining wisdom. Some of us end up drowning in it while others barely drift along its surface.
Heh, funny how that works...
-smirks and takes another drink of her coffee-
Despite the dreariness of my tone as I type these words, I'm actually in a good head space right now. Well, a slightly sardonic, snide place, but it's better than I could be. I'm lighter than I was is the best way to put it.
It's interesting that I still have yet to see a licensed therapist/psychologist for all the shit that's still swirling around in my head like a swarm of locusts destroying everything in their path toward freedom. I'll get to one eventually. I'm not opposed if that's what you're thinking. It's simply not in my price range right now. Sadly, it's as simple as that. And I'm sorry, but my first priority is getting Eleanore running. Once my Ellie is mechanically sound again I can start focusing on other things that need to be done.
As Dad used to say, "take one thing at a time". No need to get overwhelmed and stressed over things you have no immediate control over.
So that's exactly what I'm doing, one thing at a time. It may not be as fast as I'd like, but at least I'm making progress and that's the important thing.
Damn, I've written quite a bit today, haven't I? It's funny, right when I began with a blank page, my fingers poised over these black keys before me...I wasn't sure if I'd have anything interesting to say. Guess I proved myself wrong.
-gives a small smile-
Alright my luvlies, it's time for another cup of coffee.
-Adieu
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