Wearing a Brave Mask

Darkness gently curls around my tired form as cold air pours out of the windows, caressing my heated flesh with welcomed, icy hands. I sit here, going over the strange images still echoing in my head from when I lay in bed, trapped in sleep's embrace. They whisper softly, sweetly. Bittersweet secret things only my soul can decipher. I strain to understand them, swirling projections out of focus; edges blurred. I place headphones over my ears and let the slow rhythm of a song dance through my senses, causing my body to move and sway to the haunting beat. The music drowns out the world and allows me to delve deeper into the darkest reaches of my mind... Seeking out the dreams that continue to elude me.

There was a heaviness, as if something unseen was trailing me. I could feel it on the edge of my footsteps, waiting and curious. As though I should recognize it. A familiar thing haunting me within the darkness that curled around me like living streams of playful smoke. But nothing moved within that inky black, only the quiet padding of bare feet touching the earth as I walked.

-shrugs and takes a hefty drink of her strong coffee-

I've been struggling with myself lately. The internalization of old traumas, remembering the pain they brought me, the emotional tsunami that devastated me as it tried in vain to pull me under. Somehow I got through it but never the same. Bits and pieces of who I used to be were washed away by the flood of tragedy that swept through my life. There's makeshift patches in the places that were torn away. Fragmented spirit fighting to burn against an all-consuming darkness.

-smirks and takes another drink, enjoying the way the heat trails down into her stomach-

Each new day is bringing me that much closer to the anniversary of tragedy, to a day that's been eating away at the back of my mind like a rat defying the cage; desperate to escape at any cost. I don't want to be flooded by the grief of my father's passing. I don't want to remember the agony of his loss. Not when it lives in a mournful song behind my eyes. It finds a way to bleed through me, an ache I can never soothe or be free from. He's gone and there's nothing I can do about it.

I just wish it didn't cripple me the way it does. Most days I can get by just fine, becoming accustomed to his absence. Accepting the void left in his passing. Pushing forward and facing each new day as best as I can. Yet there's always something that takes me back, a reminder of what will never be. Last night was another reminder. Watching Supernatural and suddenly wishing I could talk to him about it. Thinking, "Oh Dad would've been pissed!" and then finding myself falling into a memory of a time before, which only caused my chest to ache and my breath to hitch. My eyes remained blissfully tear-free, but there was a warning of liquid emotion just itching to flood the surface. I managed to keep a cool head and waited as the memories went silent again.

You'd think I'd haven gotten past all this. That I'd be right as rain already. Heh, not bloody likely. I'm just better at masking it as time passes. Adapting to it so that my eyes no longer reveal the storm raging inside.

It's not something you just 'get over' no matter how hard to you try. Unless you are completely void of human emotion, it's going to find a way to remind you of what you've lost and there's not a god damned thing you can do about it. So you push on with a brave mask and keep going. Even if you feel completely broken inside and end up face-planting in the dirt...get angry, get up, dust yourself off and start moving. Life waits for no one. The world won't stop turning because you're having a bad day. It doesn't give two shits about you. Gotta remember, none of us make it out of this existence alive. Some just get to the finish line faster than we'd like. No one is ever ready to let go, even if we've been warned. You're never truly prepared for it. Not really. Logically maybe...but they never tell you how much it's going to hurt. How it can nearly destroy you from the inside out and leave nothing more than a shell of who you used to be.

The game changes, the world keeps turning so you suck it up and keep going. Wearing that Brave Mask to get through it and over time, even you start believing in it. Hoping that it won't hurt as much, that the pain isn't as sharp when you're forced to remember.

Fading echoes of memories lost within the walls of our internal warehouse.

-shakes her head and drains her cup-

I know there's a tone to the way I'm writing this morning. A slight edge to my words as my fingers dance along these black keys. A hint of bitterness mixed with a quiet anger that remains trapped behind my eyes.

Don't worry, it'll pass. It always does. It's just one of those mornings...

Thank the gawds for coffee, huh?

-smiles-

-Anon-