Thoughts cut through the fog that's dancing behind my eyes as a terrible ache pulses within a cage of flesh and bone. Trapped inside this prison created from a broken past, I struggle to keep myself away from the hounds of my self hatred; ravenous for a moment of weakness. Wanting nothing more than to devour the last good part of me.
The body itches, desperate for an escape. A small window of release so that this horror living inside me within the guise of tragic anxiety can be set free.
I'm tired of this. I want to crawl beneath the white noise and be at peace. I want to find myself again. The pain of my yesterdays has infected my hope for a better day. Confused and lost, it pulls at my sanity. My lack of control, unable to quell this poison inside, terrifies me.
Honesty bleeds from my fingertips as my lips remain motionless. Echoes of warmth resonate within bloodshot eyes as they fight back unwanted streams of emotion.
To feel the touch, innocent intention, the sacred sin. Bathed in safety, loneliness nothing more than a bad dream... If only.
This twisted mindset is eating away at the shattered fragments of this wounded heart. Forever fighting, struggling and screaming to claw towards the light. A constant battle to remember how it felt to dream, to feel the shimmer of hope resonate this empty shell. To remember what it was to feel love.
Hidden within this poetic-prose is the haunting cry of a broken spirit. An inaudible pleading to be saved from this self-inflicted hell. Try as I may, forcing myself to move forward, to keep going. Lying to myself that I'm okay. Smiling when inside all I want to do is scream until there's not even a whisper left...
Trying so hard to be positive when I'm constantly on edge. It feels exactly the way I did on those sleepless nights when Dad was at his most forgetful and called to me every thirty minutes. That crushing weight of anxiety, body tensing at every sound, unable to get the paranoia to dissipate. It's maddening.
...and lonely.
I keep telling myself 'this too shall pass', and it will... I just, don't want to Feel this anymore. The more I try, the harder I fight to bring myself up, the more I battle myself to keep my chin up... I weaken.
There's something fragile now, a delicate thing that threatens to shatter with every breath I take. I can't live like this. It's too much. No more. I'm tired of this pain eating at me every time I'm alone. Even when I find a distraction and I feel even a fragment of happiness, it's quickly swallowed by this hole growing inside of me.
I'm tired of failing everyone, my attempts at being a decent functioning human being has been nothing but a waste. Feeling as though everything and everyone that gets too close will only be damaged in some way.
I break and stain everything I touch. My mind has become a monster and it thrives on my shattered psyche, crippling me. I want my life back. I need to crawl out of this hole I'm struggling out of. I want better for others. I need to be the person they deserve. The person I should be...
...and not the pathetic excuse that failed her Father.
Broken is the silent heart that mourns what can never be.
There is only today and the possibility of tomorrow.
Maybe, it'll be better.
...maybe.
-anon-
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