Gray skies greet me as I sit out on the quiet porch, my green Gir snuggie draped around me like a makeshift toga as I drink another cup of strong coffee while enjoying the cool late morning air. It's peaceful here, calm in a sense. I'm trying to draw from it, hoping it'll ease the ache echoing inside my chest.
Don't get me wrong, I do feel better on several levels. I'm not as I was a few days ago, which I think has to do with the fact that I allowed myself to work it out in the open. I knew that keeping that chaotic energy contained would only make it so much worse. I would also like to express my gratitude to those who took a moment out of their lives to read what I had written. To be honest, I never expected to see that post gain so much light. I expected it to fall more or less under the radar; nothing more than a whisper in the dark. I never anticipated so many would be listening.
-gives a small, grateful smile and takes a hefty drink from her Nightmare Before Christmas thermos-
The reason for this ache I mentioned is the result of feeling so very conflicted with mixed emotions when I woke just a few hours ago. The last chapter of my dreams spun my reality off center.
I was home, at the old apartment by the sea...and so was Dad.
 |
| Yes, this was my Dad when he was young. |
He was healthy again, looking as he did in his mid thirties, early forties. Strong in build, less grey and more of that black hair that complimented his tanned skin and thick mustache. He was wearing a black T-Shirt and dark grey slacks with his flat black Nikes he always wore to work. His glasses appeared clearer, his hazel green eyes bright behind them as he spoke in that calm deep tone that always soothed me.
"I'm home now." He had said to me as he stood at the door to my old bedroom. "I'm better now, so I'm going to make up for the last year and a half. Okay bird?"
I stood there among packed cardboard boxes and felt almost surreal. It was my Hero. The one person who was always there no matter the distance between us.
"Okay Dad." I replied with an uncertain voice and a smile that was a mixture of pain, shock, relief and hope.
He smiled, "let me go tell your brother." Dad added and turned, walking out of my sight.
I couldn't move. I stayed exactly where I was, mulling over the thoughts in my mind like sudden canon fire blasting holes along the side of an unsuspecting ship.
For a moment I reveled in the warmth of knowing he was okay and he was back. That the past few horrible years had been nothing but a bad dream. That he was back and he was Dad again. Then the other thoughts hit me. ‘But he died, Erin. You saw him lying there…you knew he was gone. Yeah, I know that…but he’s back now. He’s okay. How am I going to explain to everyone that he’s here when they all know he died? But he made it back. He’s here. Everything’s going to be alright.’
A wave of relief had washed through me that this had all been a bad dream. Somehow, him becoming sick and dying in that VA hospital had never really happened. He’d left for a little while and he returned as the Dad I remembered. All of this pain and hopelessness and soul-consuming agony of loss was over. My world was pushed back into its proper orbit. I didn’t have to feel broken anymore. I didn’t have to fight the tears pooling along my lash line when I thought about how badly I wanted to talk to him and realizing I couldn’t.
Despite the chaos of my thoughts, I felt hope. The one person I had been the closest with wasn’t actually gone. I was still mulling over how I was going to explain to everyone that even though he died, he was back. That he was here and everything was going to be okay. That my life was going to get better. Everything I had gone through was nothing more than a living nightmare to make me stronger. A learning experience.
Dad never really left…
I was pulled from that alternate reality by the sound of the fan rotating back and forth in the corner of the room and Amy (the Hairless Rat), taking a drink from her water bottle. Blinking, defused morning sunlight pooled along the floor, having poured in from the cracks between the blinds of the window to my direct right. A groan rumbled past clenched teeth as I stretched and buried my face against the pillow. I had awoken face down against the bed, so my back tensed in protest when I started to move. I felt confused, wondering why I hadn’t woken up in my old room, wondering why I couldn’t feel the crisp moisture of the ocean on the cool breeze dancing into the room. Why I couldn’t smell the hint of Dad’s menthol Kools that used to weave through the cracks of my closed bedroom door, or the sound of the morning news Dad always put on after starting the morning pot of coffee. When had my room been so bright?
That’s when it hit me and my eyes flew open. A painful spasm swept along every muscle throughout my body, forcing me to get up. Legs draped over the edge of the mattress, I was hunched over with my face in my hands; elbows resting against my thighs to keep me upright.
I can imagine what kind of emotions reading this will stir in some of you. It was even harder to type out while trying to keep my composure. I had to pause several times, keeping the tears at bay. Kudos to me for being able to get these words out without falling apart. Especially since I’m listening to Pandora Radio and the song, “Say Something” by a Great Big World just started playing through the headphones covering my ears. The one song that reminds me of how hard I fought to keep Dad here, how much I struggled every day, barely sleeping, for weeks at a time. How I would’ve given everything just to have him with me now.
-trembles as hot trails of emotions dash silently down her cheeks and pool at the edges of her mouth-
Well, that didn’t turn out like I wanted. -chuckles softly and wipes at her face, regaining some of her previous composure-
Why would I dream such a thing? Why the hell would my brain do that to me? I just don’t understand…mostly, I don’t enjoy this horrible sinking feeling deep inside my chest. I suppose the whole grieving process does all kinds of fun things to the psyche when you least expect it. Perhaps it really was Dad giving me a message. Maybe he never really left. Maybe things will get better. Or maybe I’ve finally snapped and am simply doing nothing more than spewing useless noise into the universe.
-shakes her head and empties drains her Nightmare Before Christmas thermos-
Wow, I’ve been writing this for a few hours now. I had to take several breaks in order to keep myself together. For the most part, anyway.
On a different note, Comic Con is happening right now and I’m a’lil bummed I couldn’t go. However, it just gives me more fuel to cosplay as my very own Ellen Ripley hybrid for next year. My main focus won’t be SDCC of course. It’ll just be an added bonus. I’ve been wanting to go to the other cons that I’ve been missing due to working every weekend at faire during April and May for the past few years. I think next year I’ll take a few days off so I can experience cosplaying with my friends. That’s a good 8 or so months away, which will be enough time to get myself in the shape I need to be in so I can honor Ripley properly. Yes, I can easily pass as her daughter, but I’d rather be the shorter, curvier, muscular version then a shorter, slightly chubby version. Especially if I’m going to go about it in my own twisted way… I really want to look the part.
Anyhoo, I’m gunna finish this here blog thingy of doom and drink my third cup of strong coffee. Don’t think I’m gunna play on Agar.io anytime soon, even if I greatly enjoy getting 4th place on the leader board -grins- only to then be eaten by a much bigger cell…assholes…
You can see I’m not as emotionally strung out as I could be. Definitely a good thing, right? I just…I don’t know what to make of what I dreamt. It’s not something I’ll be forgetting anytime soon. Who knows, maybe I’ll end up figuring it out and then I can share it with all of you.
It’s weird…my life sends me some pretty strange messages that always end up making sense a ways down the road. Seriously, it never fails.
-shrugs- I don’t get it either.
-Adieu
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