It's been some time since I've written anything with substance. Or at least, anything that might actually seem interesting or intriguing. Well, this should make up for my absence.
I've obviously been hinting that I've been moving around and trying to get my feet back on terra-firma so that I could start getting my life on track again. The past two years have been a cyclone of emotional ups and downs as well as hardships (as many may have read in previous posts). It's been difficult for me to be open about what it's done to me, mentally and emotionally. I've only glossed over it with the usual details. Staying very black and white, as unemotional as possible. I didn't want anyone to see how damaged I really was. Why? Because I felt that it was my burden. My emotions are mine alone. I've never been one to place blame on another for the way I'm feeling because they don't have any control over how my brain reacts to things. It's a smidge of a tangent but there's a good reason for it. I know that friends will always be concerned about my wellbeing, so when things began to spiral out of control inside my head the last thing I wanted to do was unleash it into the world. Especially when I was so far away from everyone.
While I was out in the desert, I was incredibly fortunate to have met Debbra and her family. I still consider her as the older sister I never had. She took me in when I had nowhere else to go. She made sure that Ellie and I were safe. Which is why it hurt me so damned much that for some odd reason, I just couldn't land a job while I was living with her. I felt like I was failing her and it ate at me everyday that I couldn't change it. It unfortunately triggered a helplessness that began to claw at my brain. The venom it injected was annoying at first, something I thought I was immune to. Yet over time...it slithered through the barriers and the sickness began taking hold.
I became agoraphobic and afraid of everything. I started to wonder if my existence was more of a hinderance on others, a burden. The negative thoughts that once lay dormant started to surface and I couldn't get away from them.
[WARNING|| You may not like what you're about read. For those of you who are very sensitive, it may be best to scroll down to the end of this segment. Please know that these are simply thoughts that have lived in my head for either a short time, or a very, very long time. We all go through it. Most are fortunate enough to never notice their existence. Just know that they don't always live at the forefront of my mind.]
'Look at you...pathetic. You're how old and you still haven't graduated High School? Oh sure, you can get your GED... What makes you think you can, huh? Oh, you think studying that GED book is going to make a difference? You're a fuck up. You'll just screw that up too.'
'Happy? Really? You're almost 30 and you're still living at home. You're Father controls everything you do because You Are Weak. You're going to let him treat you like that out of some out-dated form of 'Respect Your Elders'? You're an adult, fucking act like one. Why do you take the abuse? Why haven't you left? Why do you make excuses for him? "He's only mean when he's had too many beers." Did that change? No. You could've been living out on your own, with a good job and finally doing something for yourself but instead, you decided that he 'needed you'. You made your own life harder trying to save someone who couldn't be saved. You deserve to be out on your ass. You break everything you touch. They were right about you. Don't you remember? When you were 8 years old, you'd never be anything? You'd never be good enough. Period. Oh you can sing? 6 years old with a voice just like Ariel? Yeah, you know...there's allot of others that may not have your talent, but they all want the same thing so it's best to never try. Oh so you can Act and actually become the character? Ha, yeah...you're still fat and you need to be concerned with cleaning and cooking.'
'Wow...is this where we are now? You let this happen. You let your Brother down. You always let him down, no wonder he doesn't want you in his life. You failed him by just being born. He's much happier now that he doesn't have to deal with your stupidity.'
'You could've pushed harder. You could've told Dad that he had to back off on his drinking. He did listen when you pushed hard enough. Why didn't try harder? It's your fault. You were his emotional support. You kept him going. You FAILED. Just like everything else. You didn't do enough. You're fucking weak and that's why you ended up where you are.'
'Couldn't take care of Ellie, couldn't take care of your cats, you couldn't get your shit together and not only had to leave your childhood home, but you couldn't help your father... You Failed. You are a failure. You shouldn't exist. You do nothing but bring everyone down. You're a nuisance, a waste. You don't deserve the kindness you receive. How have you earned it? What could you have possibly done to warrant anyone's care? You should be in that box in the front seat of your car, not your Father.'
I know how terrible those are, and that's barely scratching the surface of what goes through my head when I'm in that negative headspace. I wasn't okay. I know many of you are aware of that, and I am honestly trying to be a better person, a healthier person. Because so many wonderful souls believe in me, seeing something I honestly don't see...I want to get better.
Some of you are aware, but I didn't really announce it on Facedesk like I would have in the past. I'm literally a few blocks away from my childhood home; my city by the sea. Just nearby my favorite cliffside park and just a short drive away from the Beautiful USS Battleship Iowa. I felt it wasn't something to celebrate due to the circumstances that led me back here. I was incredibly disappointed in myself for getting to the point I was at the time and thought it would be distasteful to announce that I was home.
Ellie was in allot of pain. I owe Debbra's brother a great deal of gratitude for his selflessness in helping me with my baby. I thought the old carb just needed to be cleaned up...apparently it was shot. I was completely blown away when Ellie was gifted with a brand new four barrel carb. She starts right up now. I will pay him back for his kindness. While on the subject, I am still and always will be grateful to Debbra for helping me when I could've been out on the street and Ellie would've been towed away by the city. This is why it hurt (and obviously still plagues me) that I couldn't find a job because I wanted to give back, I wanted to be helpful and make life easier.
I had to leave almost overnight not due to Debbra wanting me gone, it was as soon as I got a few gallons in Ellie (gas had been syphoned out of her where I was staying before...) I went to start her and she just died. So I gave her a bath and tried with everything I could not to panic because she had already received a note three days prior that she would be towed if I didn't move her to another spot. Which I did as soon as I received it. But I had to do so very carefully... Her tires, were literally tearing themselves apart and the right ball joint (that broke August of 2014) was also falling apart.
Once Ellie was here, I thought her battery died because the Tow Truck Driver named Mark (that made me chuckle) had left the key turned which I thought, just drained the battery. We took the battery out the next day, took it up to O'Reilly auto parts to not only charge it for free, but get it tested to see if it was a bad battery or not. Well, we find out...that it wouldn't hold a charge. It was a bad battery. Didn't realize it was from 2011. So like any normal person, I had a severe panic attack (mostly internal) and was trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do when Tony and I drove back out to collect the battery... Little did I know what he and Nicole had planned...
I was in shock when he picked out a new battery that should last Ellie four-five years. I only started crying when we were on our way back. I'm still in shock...
I was able to move her back and forth but noticed the tires were looking worse and worse...
Day before yesterday I was going to move her again, but I noticed something off. She was sitting wrong.
My heart shattered and my chest tightened. Her tire completely collapsed. I barely slept that night and when I did, I had nightmares. My eyes were swollen the next morning (crying will do that to you) and I decided to make a short film on what I discovered.
You can view the Video Here
I was devastated...but somehow, my StepDad Douglas completely threw me for a loop. I let Mom and him know what had happened, I was very calm when I talked to them about it. That happens when you've been slammed by so much all at once, you kinda go numb from it.
Here's the kicker. A few hours later I get a phone call from him telling me I have a surprise in my bank account. I literally blinked confusion and checked online while I was speaking to him and couldn't believe it. He had given me $100 so I could get the tires as soon as possible.
So that's where I'm at now... I have enough if all four tires are $25 each. I can't afford new tires yet. Hence why I've been putting in applications literally everyday for a job. I'm willing to take two if I have to. Eleanore is all I have left of my childhood home and my Dad. She means to me, what Baby means to Dean Winchester. She's my Home.
This is the make of the tire;;
And if anyone can help me find a good place with decently priced used tires, near or close to San Pedro, I would be forever grateful.
Eleanore is the one solid thing in my life and I'm not going to give up on her. Dad put so much time, money and love into that old Machine. She's all I have left.
I know she still has problems... Gotta replace her Ball Joints, possibly her U Joints, gotta have the transmission flushed and refilled, an oil change, an alignment, general tune up etc. I know I'm going to need the help of welders because she's 1970 so those parts aren't exactly easily found. Hell...I'm just going to need help in general to get her road worthy again. I'm less concerned about how she looks right now (she's showing her age) because that's all cosmetic, I can focus on that later when I have her running the way she should. She should be purring...not sad and broken.
*wipes the unwanted sheen of tears from her eyes*
For every beautiful soul that has been gracious to me, that has shown kindness, love and support... I can never truly thank you. I mean it. Thank You.
Again, any help would be appreciated.
Alright, time to get my s'more coffee, calm down and get my thoughts in order. I'm trying not to panic.
On that note...
-Adieu
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