The Levee Breaks and the Sanity Spills Away

The ache digs razor like claws into the shredded remains of a defiant heart as the fragile strings of an exhausted mind fights for some kind of normalcy. Nothing is as it seems, the scars rise along pale flesh in red welts of harsh lessons not easily forgotten. There is no escaping the void as it narrows its gaze on the weakness; the tortured spirit desperate for just a moment's peace.

Little to say, words strangled in the back of the throat, vocal chords torn from the swallowed screams of frustration that echo maddeningly through the hollow crevices of an overactive brain. Even the whispers have lost their battle with the crimson rage that coils around every thought and emotion. Nothing remains of the soul that once lived to bring warmth to all those in its path. Ashes of an innocence used up and thrown away.

I speak in gentle poetry in the hopes that a keen eye will read my cryptic prose and understand the message hidden within these playful lines. Though, I'd imagine this isn't exactly the most pleasant rambling I've written... There is pain here, fear, exhaustion, and the feeling of being completely lost.

There are hungry shadows lining this broken path. Withered and weak, the emptiness fights to swallow the last hint of light glowing defiantly within these secret depths. Hardship a continuous theme, unable to reach out, and beg for redemption as the chains that keep it pinned, lie sleeping just out of sight.

Trembling footsteps echo their descent into madness by the bloody foot prints they leave behind. Not a word nor whisper of hope. Nothing but the cold black to keep you company.

Be Stronger.

Be Better.

Grow Up.

Failure is Not an option.

Worthless.

These words are weapons, cutting and slicing the fragmented pieces of a dying spirit. There is no resolution to this living nightmare. Bleed out the screams that shred the silence. Black poison filling the veins, making a void where innocence once lived. Fluttering fireflies of thought swallowed by a living abyss. They know me here...welcome me with their cold embrace. They whisper sweetly, calling to me...

"Sink into the shadows and let us embrace you. Be one of us...so very close now..."

Tempted is the weary being to welcome that empty void. Those emotionless words seeming almost peaceful. A place to finally be still...

To finally rest.

-*-*-*-

*smirks and takes a chug of her Monster*

Goin' on Day Three of barely any sleep. SSDD would be the term to use in this situation; Same Shit Different Day.

I'm fuckin' exhausted and had a mini melt down early this morning when I was called to again for the up-teenth time. Eh, whatever. Not important. I just look as ugly as I feel, which is rather fitting to be honest. *grows an unpleasant smile*

Only good thing about today was talking to one of Dad's nurses who came out for a short time. She was incredibly helpful about getting me information on finding a caregiver that can come out when I need to go to the store and run errands without having to worry about Dad. And I can have them come out for an hour at the shortest. All I'd need during the week, is maybe a two to three hour span to get shit done and I believe we can afford it.

Here's my biggest emotional road block;

Dad is Completely Dependent on Me. Even when he has someone watching over him, he starts asking for me. It's always Me. It's always been Me. Because I've been the Only One to be there for him for the past 13 years. Let that sink in for a second. Even when I'd moved out for a short time, I made a point to come out and visit him, or I'd call him during my breaks at work while I was living in Orange County. Why? Because we've always been close. He was one of the Most important Men in my life. Period. I thought I was doing the right thing by being close, by being there when he needed someone. Now I realize that he abused that privilege.

Gotta love emotional control and guilt trips when it's too close to your face to even realize it's happening.

After awhile, I had been the Replacement for the friends he no longer really spoke to. He made me the only person he spoke to on a daily basis. He became dependent on me and made it as hard as possible for me to just pick up and leave. For so long I stayed close and lived with him because I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't want to abandon him. He's my Father, why would I do such a thing?

Now...it's a very different situation. This gorramed sickness has taken my Hero from me and I'm left with the echoes of who he used to be. It's rare when I catch a glimpse of my Dad... Because not more than a few minutes later, that monster that's embedded itself in his brain is suddenly glaring back at me and I know it's smiling in victory. That poison that he drank for all those years brought a monster to life and it finally has its hooks in him... Leaving me powerless as it tangles his thoughts and he goes after me verbally like he used to when he drank too much.

He hasn't touched a single drop of alcohol since last May...but it was too late. Like a virus it wriggled its way through his system and finally latched onto his brain.

The best course of action is to get a caregiver to relieve me for a few hours a day, get him a sleep aid (also via his request; if it's important, he does remember.) and push the VA to help me look into a pension I believe he deserves for serving during a time of war. It doesn't matter if it isn't much, it's something AND they can help us with home care and the like.

For him to stay home and get the care he's entitled without the likes of a nursing home, I'm going to literally need a staff to help me take care of him. If I can get one caregiver that he can connect to, the more that person is around and the safer my Dad feels, the less he'll depend solely on me. Selfish of me to finally admit, but this will not be my life. I will do everything in my power to see that he's taken care of and that things will be set up to where I'm really no longer needed. 

I need to get out on my own and I will, once I can figure everything out. Because it's not just my Father I'm concerned with. I need to make sure everyone involved will be okay too. That things will run smoothly without me. The pressure of it all is too heavy a burden for me to carry on my own. I've given serious thought to suicide because of how worthless this has made me feel since last February. That scared the hell out of me. I can't leave everything behind when I just started to get my feet on terra-firma. So no matter how screwed up I am inside, I'm going to figure out a viable plan that will ensure my Father's well being is taken care of, and that finances are made to run smoothly. Once this is all established and I know things are on the right path, I can collect what little I have left and begin my life. I'm not saying I'll abandon him and my family *scoffs* that obviously isn't an option. What I am saying, is that I need to be my own person. I need to 'Grow Up'. I've basically been taking care of my Dad since I was 17 years old. I'm now 30. I think I'm allowed to make some decisions pertaining to My Life.

But first things first; get Dad a sleep aid so he can actually Rest during the night. His Body and his Mind desperately need the rest so he can actually heal. Once that's established, I start pressing the VA about a possible Pension he earned while serving during a time of War. He was in Service from 66-71, which was during Vietnam. 

*sighs softly and pinches the bridge of her nose; eyes aching from how swollen they've become due to lack of sleep and crying so hard this morning*

I want things to get better. I want my Dad to feel better and more like himself. But not at the cost of my sanity. I can't take care of him if I can barely take care of myself. Get him setup with the best care at home, while also making sure my Brother and his family have little to stress over and than I can think about getting out on my own.

Sure I've got a late start, but better late than never *gives a small smile* I'm trying to find Hope in all of this madness... Trying to stay positive. It's incredibly hard, but I'm not willing to give up. Not yet.

-Adieu