I pause and close my eyes, listening to the sound of my own heartbeat pounding strong and steady within its cage of flesh and bone. Feeling the gentle rise and fall of my chest as my lungs expand and contract with every slow breath I take. I let out a sigh, open my eyes and let myself open my memory warehouse deep inside, searching the catacombs of files lined against the walls, stretched out into an eternity like a serpent of thoughts and precious memories. As I search, the ghostly image of myself walking barefooted along the metal grating as the tips of my fingers brush along the smooth surface of the filing cabinets I pass. I don’t have to look to know where I’m going as I find myself being pulled to an adjacent room off to the side of this hidden warehouse. A large steel door fills my sight as I stand before the hidden vault. With a small wave of my hand, gears hiss and groan followed by the ancient thing slowly opening outward as if beckoning me to enter. I smile and slip inside, knowing what lies behind that reinforced steel door as it closes back into place behind me.
Suddenly, I’m standing in complete darkness.
Within the quiet I can hear movement. Slithering, crawling, scraping sounds of things moving all around me. Instead of terror filling me I find myself smiling. I stretch my right hand out and feel my soul tingle at the feeling of something smooth pressing against the fleshy part of my palm. A soft hissing purr dances through my ears as my hand slides along the smooth surface of the living nightmare to my right. I close my eyes and let out a happy sigh as a chorus of hissing rises up into the air and I can feel them surrounding me. Opening my eyes, I notice a soft glow of golden light has begun to pour into the darkness like a living wave of fog pouring off the ocean itself. That’s when the nightmares reveal their shapes and my heart skips a beat. Dozens of elongated skulls attached to frightening skeletal black forms with whip like tails cover every inch of the room, from the one next to me crouching on the ground like a guard dog, to the very ceiling made of the same structures found in Hadley’s Hope near the primary heat exchange. They’ve created their very own hive. This vault hidden within the depths of my memory warehouse, my little piece of heaven has become their home…
My sanctuary.
The Alien to my right is crouched on all fours and gently leans its head against my waist, like a large dog seeking comfort. I comply by my draping my right forearm along its long, curved cranium and gently brush my fingertips along its smooth flesh. It has a very light sheen of moisture along its surface, reminding me of a mixture of things. Slightly rubbery like a dolphin but slightly slimy like a stingray. It's not repulsive like one might think, but not many would call my living nightmares cute and cuddly.
Several of the Xenomorphs pass us and as they go by, they all find a way to touch me. A brush of clawed hand, the whisper of a tail, the fanning of hot breath along the back of my neck followed by a gentle head butt against my left shoulder by an eyeless face. I’m accepted here among living shadows as they tend to their mother’s demands. The Great Queen who dwells before me on her throne of flesh and bones. She appears like a titanic monster nestled against an organic spider web of black tubing. Her magnificent crown illuminated by a golden light pulsing somewhere behind her as a strange mist pools below her and stretches out along her sleeping children. I can see the very tips of the eggs peeking out just above that glowing vapor, knowing that I can walk among them and touch their strange forms without disturbing the dormant face huggers within.
This is the place I seek refuge when I need to get away from all the light and the noise of reality. A secret darkness filled with my childhood guardians. Creatures that would chase away my nightmares and keep me safe.
A place I call home.
* * *
Such a strange thing to call welcoming, but it’s where I go in my head when I need to take a step back from the harshness of life and allow myself to breathe. I’ve been spending more time there in recent days due to how exhausted I’ve been. Physically and emotionally. I’ve just been worn out and I know I’m not the only one.
Especially when it pertains to Faire; my other home. It will always hold that title, it’s just that these past few weekends have been very draining. Perhaps it has allot to do with the weather, the layout (it’s allot of walking) and the simple fact that this is the first year back at Faire without my Dad to share it with.
Many of you are probably sick of hearing me mentioning my Father. You have to understand that we were very close (I cannot stress this truth enough) and he literally was my rock. He was the voice of wisdom, my inspiration. He kept me going when I wanted to just say to hell with it and give up. He truly was my best friend and hero. I know I’m repeating myself but it’s to really drive home the point of how much his presence meant to me and the severity of the hole that was left behind in his passing. I am not the same because of it. I’m trying to gather up all the shattered bits and pieces of my life and find a way to put it back together. I know they will never fit the same way again, so instead, I’ll just have to learn to live with the holes left behind. At least I’m still trying and haven’t given up yet. I can’t and I won’t. I refuse, no matter how fragmented I may feel.
Everything changes so I’ve taught myself to just roll with it. Don’t try to fight the riptide or it’ll pull you down and bury you in the depths. I’m not much for drowning so I’ll gladly swim along and see where it carries me. It may not be where I initially wanted to go but at least I’m still moving along the surface. I’m still breathing and that counts for something.
-gives a small smile and takes a drink from her second cup of strong coffee-
I gotta say that weather wise, the last two days have been wonderful. It’s been cool and humid with lovely overcast skies and chilly air. It reminds me so much of home and my tired body is incredibly grateful for it. It’s what we Renn Folk call, ‘Fine English Weather’. I hope it continues into the weekend, we need weather like this in Irwindale. Hell, I think we’ve earned it with how hot, windy and dry it’s been. Fingers crossed, lets hope that it is a lovely cool weekend. We could definitely use the break.
I’m not against sunlight and warm days. I just prefer cooler weather due to the fact that I run hot and tend to expel a great deal of heat on a normal basis. It’s not just because I drink allot of coffee, which speeds everything up internally and will elevate my core temperature. For an example, even as a little girl I could be found running around outside in jeans and a T-shirt completely at ease while most were bundled up and unwilling to move. It’s a genetic thing which I think I got more from my Dad’s side of the family. I find it funny actually… Due to the fact that a great deal of my childhood was spent in the desert. I adapted to that dry heat even if I didn’t like it because I didn’t have much of a choice. When I had the opportunity to live with my Father next to the ocean where I was born, I gladly made the decision to leave the desert behind me. Honestly, it was one of the best decisions I ever made.
I just wish I could go back, but for the moment due to the lack of funds and Ellie still being sick, I remain where I am. I will eventually visit my home by the sea, even while knowing that it will be bittersweet. Knowing that I can never go back to the way my life used to be, to the small apartment just a short distance up the street from the cliffs next to the great blue herself.
Damn, I guess I’m mourning more than just the loss of my Father. But I’m getting through it. I’m forcing myself to be positive about it even though my initial response is to go cold and hollow myself out of emotions. Cuz let me tell ya, this ain’t a picnic. Most days I’m right as rain (what a strange term…) then you’ve got those days where it all comes creeping back and the memories are like lightening flashes in the back of the skull, blinding you.
Heh, good times… -smirks and shakes her head-
Well, I think this is enough rambling for now. Wrote quite a bit more this morning than I have in some time. Probably due to the fact that I’m starting to get the actual itch to write again and not just thoughts, but stories. In fact, I started writing something last night that hasn’t left my brain. It’s got the Winchesters and a certain Holy Tax Accountant in it.
-gives a rueful smile with a wink-
We’ll see if I finish it today and when I do, you’ll be the first ones to read it.
On that note, I’ll see you lovelies on the flipside.
-Adieu
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