What's The Point?

Artwork 'Shattered' is Copyright of Black Ravyn

I don't even know if writing is even worth it anymore... I haven't had the urge to, and when I've tried, I find that it's nothing more than useless buckets of crap spilling out through my fingertips. Seriously, what's the point?

As many may have noticed (or possibly not, who even reads this shit anyway?) my mood is teetering along the lines of extreme emotional agitation, anger and solace. Right now, I'm pissed off. Maybe it's good that I use this outlet. 

You want something to read? Here, I'll write something for you...

My heart hurts. I can't shake the drowning sensation inside of me. I want to scream and destroy something beautiful. There's a million thoughts dancing through my head and all of them continue to allude me like disoriented fireflies trying to make their way through the black.

I'm just fucking sick of it. All of it. I'm absolutely disgusted with myself, on several levels... To the point where I just don't want to leave the apartment anymore. I don't want to take the chance that I may do or say something that will be taken completely wrong. I'm honestly at the point (emotionally speaking) where I'm done. Just fucking done. Whatever this is, emotional bullshit boiling over from waay too much pressure bearing down all at once... I'm done.

I've tried to be normal when all I've wanted to do is cut this thing out of my chest and hold it out for everyone to see...only to wear a broken smile as I crush it in my hands.

Twisted visual, huh? *smirks*

I'm angry that I let my guard down to someone I trusted (or thought I could trust) and all they did was make sure I hurt just as much as I've hurt them by telling me something they 'thought' I should know. The hell did you think it would accomplish? Huh? You think, while I was finally opening up and actually Crying about losing my friend that it was, what... 'Okay' to tell me something that You fucking Knew would tear me up? And your excuse was, "Maybe I shouldn't have said anything" And it's the way you said it after the fact... You were indifferent to my reaction. You knew damned well that you intended to cut me with your words. I sensed No Remorse from you... At All. It was a quiet revenge in your body language. You can argue that this is false, that you'd never do anything to hurt me especially when I really needed someone and I actually Trusted You... But there's no excuse. What you did, was intentional. You wanted to hurt me? Congratulations. Mission Accomplished.

Heh...ya know what? Thank You so very much for Proving to me why I was Right to want to distance myself from people. What you did, was underhanded and hurtful. And I didn't come to this realization until afterward when I was able think clearly. How terribly naive of me to think I could come to you for comfort when you offered it...only to learn it was just another way to get back at me for the grief I've caused you. 

Lesson Learned. No such thing as 'Friend'.

Why is this all coming out now? I'm a severe mess of screwed emotions. Oh and I found out yesterday that I've lost Another Friend to Cancer this past Saturday. I didn't know what to think... My brain did the, "Wait...really?"

So you know what? I'm in that nice dark place where I'm just fucking done with watching what I say so I don't 'offend' anyone's 'delicate perceptions'. You wanna hate me? Fine. You want to see me as some Lying, Two-Faced Bitch? You go right ahead. 

Because you know what? Life's is too god damned short to focus on petty things that have absolutely no relevance.

I haven't been myself for a long while. I've been completely Fucked up inside. Did I share that with anyone? No. Why would I? You can't fix it and I sure as hell don't expect anyone to fix it. Not your problem. Period. Why share my emotional diarrhea when you have Your Own shit to deal with? I've tried to be mature about it, keep calm and suss it out on my own. 

But in life, nothing Ever goes according to plan. I didn't feel the need to explain myself to the masses, it's nobody's fucking business. But then, things became confused and instead of being approached in an appropriate manner so things could be discussed, (at which point I would have explained myself because though I'm a private person, I'd do so to make sure there was no confusion and I would have done so in the most diplomatic way possible) things were blown out of proportion. I was cornered and badgered, where only Certain things were said, and I was unable to properly voice the truth in its entirety.

And it's fairly obvious how well that turned out... *grows a very unpleasant smile*

And when it comes to me opening up to people, there's a very select few that I can open up to. But here's the thing... Even though I know I can, I just don't know how. I try to, but I start to stutter and my mind locks up. The only way it'll all come out correct and crystal clear, is if I am royally pissed off. And I'm starting to get to that point. It hurts that some people just don't understand that I'm not pushing them away on purpose. Because I'm not. Or I wasn't, I should say. Because now? I'm honestly fine right here, silent and alone. It's safe. What I think and how I feel is tucked away safely in my head. Doesn't need to be shared. I'll let the anger out, but cryptically of course. This is all cryptic. I speak in riddles. Safer that way.

*sighs and takes a drink of her Monster while listening to 'Broken Pieces' by Apocalyptica Feat. Lacey Sturm*

I'm just...completely out of sorts. My emotions are a jostled hornet's nest and my heart feels like its rotting from the inside out. I'm torn in so many different directions... Needing Release on a variety of different levels while there's a part of me that wants me to just stop typing and delete this entire thing so I don't 'Hurt Anyone's Feelings'. The Anger's leaking away into Sadness and that feeling of "What's the Point?" swims through me again. 

Because honestly... What is this accomplishing? I'm Venting... Whoopdee-fuckin'-doo. Do I vent like I should? No. Do I keep it in out of some false sense of bravado? No. I don't vent because even though I need to, I Worry about the impact my words will have. I keep it all in because to release my pain, I may inadvertently hurt others. Stirring up more unneeded chaos.

But I won't delete this. I will finish my thoughts, post it and be done with it. I'm allowed to have at least one moment of controlled madness. 

Because right at this moment... 

*lets out a strangled sigh* I feel like shit...

Eh, it'll pass. Guess I just need to get my thoughts in order so it doesn't happen again.

No more saying or doing anything that'll be misconstrued. It's safer to be quiet and watchful than to stand out and be crucified for unintentionally offending someone due to their own perception of me.

And on that note...I'll leave you with an old Quote I wrote many years ago...

'She was the Black...among a Field of Red Roses.'

Artwork Copyright of the Amazing Jaime Thompson

-Fades to Black-