Thoughts, Exhaustion and Shtuff

These words, they whisper... A gentle murmur, a hidden feeling, dancing behind bloodshot eyes... So much meaning and yet so very fragile. 

Have not the tragic heart broken a thousand times over? Have not the tears flowed til only dust remained? 

Break these internal chains... Restrain the spirit from the freedom of failure. To Live is to struggle, to dance within the flames... Remnants of a bitten hand... Teeth sharpened daggers of fear... Nothing can venture close, no one can enter here. Lost is the soul that binds them... Searching this thick darkness for sanctuary. Seeking out the light that once held warmth. Free the demons of the past, forever screaming to be redeemed.

Broken whispers of a shattered dream...laid out before the wounded in warm, crimson streams.

Fear not the Forsaken... For we are all nothing more... Than the Fading Whispers within a Crowd of Screams.

*  *  *

Yay, poetic goodness! *chuckles and sips her water O doom while listening to her MP3 player on shuffle*

Yes it's 2:12am and yes...I should be sleeping, seein' as I've been semi-coherent since 5:30am. *shrugs* Meh, had a decent day. Long, yes... But even though I was very tired when I got home, as darkness caressed a mystical hand across the horizon... The Nocturnal in Me woke up :P

So here I sit, consumed in loving Shadow as Guns'n'Roses' "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" begins playing in my ears. Ya...definitely peaceful ;)

I don't know what it is that has me awake right now... Possibly the charge of Spring, enticing me with its wordless song... Or maybe I'm just a Spaz that can't get her gorramed brain to shut off at night *lets out a soft laugh and shakes her head*

I also feel...accomplished. Like I said; I had a good day :) And I'm starting to really feel the energy rising inside me for Faire. It's also starting to really sink in that I'm going to be a complete spaz in front of Many unknown people. I basically get to be my Crazy Self for the sheer fun of it AND it's encouraged! The more Amused I can make the Audience, the better. 

I can't believe it's been so many years since I've gone out of my comfort zone and let loose. It's not so much about the attention... I'm actually Really Shy believe it or not. (Crazy, right? I've been a Thespian since I was 7 years old but I've Always suffered Severe stage Fright.) But if I allow Onyx to take over (my Faire Persona) I think the fear will dissipate like a Wolf ridding its coat of water.

I just remember how much I wanted to be a Rouser; how much Fun everyone seemed to have being Crazy. And now... Gawds, almost 9 years later... I finally get the chance to make an absolute ass out of myself for the sheer Joy of it :D I was still pretty innocent back then, and wasn't completely comfortable in my own skin yet, (or barely, I should say) so it made me take a step back from what I thought looked like a great deal of fun. Now, I'm definitely comfortable in my own skin (having accepted myself entirely; scars and all) and I know that I can do this. 

It's interesting... I finally grew the courage to rid myself of my old shell after being weighed down by so much tragedy...and realized that I needed to pull my head out of my ass, stop running away from opportunities because of the fear of Failure and I needed to live every day to the fullest. No more hiding. Period. That part of who I was, is gone. Sure I still suffer some insecurities, but who doesn't? How will I know if something wonderful is about to happen if I'm not willing to be the Fool that steps blindly off a cliff? So what if I fall flat on my face? I'll just get up and try again. No more excuses. And I can honestly say I haven't felt this good in a very long time...

I admit, the biggest reason for my attitude change... *takes a steadying breath as a familiar sting enters her eyes* Is for my Deda...my Nuna. For Erick and Becky and Especially Lory. It hit me like a Huge ton of bricks when I realized how inspiring they had always been to me. They didn't make excuses... They Lived. And they did it with Passion. My Gawd how blind I'd been... I always spoke of my dreams, of the things I wanted to achieve... But they were only words. I'm a Great Story Teller, Sure... But I forgot one very important thing about me... I forgot the Actor in me. Life is a Stage... And I don't have to just write about it anymore... I need to step forward onto that very Stage and Show the world I can portray my story through my actions.

Yes, life can seriously suck. But feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in my misery will do absolutely Nothing for me. What good would that achieve? That kind of attitude had to be wiped out of my mind. 

I hate to say it, but having finally stepped away from that old mindset, it seriously bothers me when I see someone constantly Bitch about how much their life 'sucks' when all I can see is all the Good they have in their lives. I get really angry seeing someone, who's never Truly Known Real Suffering, make their decent life into this over-dramatized soap opera of tragedy.

I cannot stand it when someone has all of these wonderful opportunities around them and they find every excuse in the book to pick at them and turn them into negatives. Prime example of this is someone, who just makes Everything a f***ing travesty. They complain about not having a job, than when they finally get one, they complain about how it's not good enough and how they're not appreciated. Or they're lonely and decide to go on and on about how no one would ever date them because they'll never be good looking or thin enough, or they're getting too old... And they finally start seeing someone and they start going off about how that person just doesn't understand them and they're just going to end up pushing them away because that person isn't good enough and how they should just give up because they're not meant to be happy...

It's a constant pity party and I'm just...absolutely sick of it. Especially when they have so many people that love them and have been trying to get through to them... But after awhile, people get tired of coddling that behavior. Stop being a child. It is NOT our job to baby you and enable this self-involved, selfish, 'poor me' attitude. I'm sorry you think your life sucks, but instead of Blaming every one and every thing Else, how about looking at yourself? The world doesn't owe you Squat. The world isn't gunna do shit for you. Life is Not easy. Do Yourself a favor and instead of bitching about the things you don't like, how about you make the conscious effort to Do something about it. Stop Crying Wolf when the Wolf doesn't even want to be anywhere near you. In fact, I'm pretty sure the Wolf took off because it didn't want to listen to your constant whining anymore.

*takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly* Apologies for the tangent... It just royally pisses me off when someone makes Everything about Them because they are essentially BORED with their life. And I get really angry when they're given encouragement and they act like they Deserve it... But can't offer any positive support in return Unless they get appreciated for it too, even when it has Nothing to do with them. I HATE that 'Me, Me, Me' mindset. *growls softly and shakes her head in irritation*

Which is one of the reasons why I try to keep my sadness to a minimum when I decide to share. Just because I'm havin' a rough time doesn't mean I need to make a production out of it. I'm honestly More concerned how it would affect others. I guess that's the major difference... I think of Others before I think of Myself. 

*sighs and shakes her head*

Sorry for the rant... It's been really bothering me (and obviously still does) it's just...mind-boggling to me at how someone could be so f***ing self involved with their warped attitude that they refuse to see how it affects everyone around them. All they can focus on, is themselves. 

*takes another breath and centers herself* And now...something completely random to help change the mood!

*giggles softly* Random cuteness always helps ^_^

Damn...talk about going off on a tangent of Doom >.< I think I shall get my disgruntled butt to bed before I faceplant against the keyboard *chuckles*

And on that adorable note...

-Adieu