It's Madness!

A terrible sting coils up within the darkest reaches of within. Tiny stabs of painful electricity lighting up every nerve ending, reminding me that I'm alive. It's moments like these...that I greatly despise. My body is on a war path; the early stages of a monthly self destruct sequence. No, it's not an exaggeration on my part when I say that this is not something I enjoy experiencing. I loathe it. The 'Screaming Eagle' (as my Dad called it) hasn't even landed yet and I'm already starting to double over as the pain claws through my midsection.

Lovely image, no?

It's not just the pulsing agony eating at me from the inside out like maggots devouring a corpse... The hormones like to play Russian Roulette with my emotions. The bitch of it is, that it's not always like this. There is the rare occasion when I'm blissfully unaware that I even have this female plumbing to begin with. But nope, not this month! No sir... Physical pain is one thing, but emotional diarrhea to go with it? 

A miniature tactical nuke would be lovely right about now.

It's one thing to have to deal with this...cycle. It's another to go bat shit and try your damnedest to keep it in check when all you want to do is crawl into a hole and pray that the crazy doesn't get out.

It's madness!

It tends to dig up all of your fears, all of the insecurities, every painful memory that's put in neat little filing cabinets in the back of your mind where you've finally put them and not only tosses them everywhere imaginable, it douses them in gasoline, grins like the sadistic little bitch it is...and lights a match.

Yeah...it's one of those days and it's only the beginning.

-grows an unpleasant smile-

Fun, huh?

-Anon-

In Need of an Escape

Though the hour is late, I've made a small pot of coffee to deter myself from falling into sleep's embrace. As I sit here and feel the black keys beneath my fingertips, I listen to the sound of a young Sam and Dean Winchester as Season one's 'Bugs' plays in the background. It's welcoming but also so very bittersweet. Reminding me of those moments, such fleeting precious moments not so long ago, when Dad and I would sit together and watch Supernatural. It was our show.

-takes a slow, steadying breath as her chest tightens-

Seeing the beginning of a true Aliens sequel has really dug a knife into me. Hearing my Idol Sigourney Weaver talking excitedly about the concept of it...that Michael Biehn will be reprising his role as Corp. Hicks... All I could think of was how badly I wanted to talk to Dad about it because who knew better than anyone else, how much it means to me.

Than that horrible realization slams against my skull that I will never hear his voice again...

I struggle to type these words as the threat of tears begin to blur my vision. This ache hasn't gone away, and I highly doubt it ever will. He was my best friend, my hero. I know I've said this before, but only those who truly know me, know that I'm putting it lightly. It's as though a very important piece of myself has been ripped out and thrown into the abyss. We had a twin link and to have him not be here, has been really weighing me down. I try to get through each day, some days are easier than others. But it all comes flooding back, like a god damned flash of lightening and I feel myself wanting to curl up in a darkened room and never come out.

-scoffs darkly and shakes her head-

It's possible the only reason I'm feeling emotionally vulnerable right now is due to the natural hormonal fluctuations of the human female body. Basically forcing me to face what's usually buried just beneath the surface. It tries to consume me with feeling...until I become numb from it.

Therapy is probably something I need, but due to my current situation, it's just not an option. So I'm not all that worried about it. I'm forcing myself to deal with it in a healthy manner, in a way a therapist would recommend and so far... It hurts like sonuvabitch. 

I wish the nightmares would fuck off already (pardon my french) and let me sleep with some relative normalcy. There's been three nights I've slept without incident in the span of two weeks. Without feeling as though I was being twisted up from the inside out. I'm afraid to dream. Afraid of the things lying in wait. I don't feel safe anymore. I haven't in a very long time...

So much has changed, people and places...gone in an instant. Cycles shift and I'm starting over again. I want to find peace. I want to go back to the place where I could hear the waves crashing along that rocky shore. To breathe in that salty air as a wall of mist formed beyond Catalina island. I want to go back to that sacred place where I felt whole... I want to go home.

(Point Fermin Park looking toward Catalina Island, just a short drive from where I grew up)

The chest aches as I take a shaky breath, trying to keep my composure, to keep this storm inside me...restrained.

A place that feels like home, the Renaissance Pleasure Faire... Makes me weary. I want to be among my loved ones, to feel like my old self again. Knowing how my Dad wanted me to be there, even when he was sick and trapped in that fucking hospital bed... Knowing that he was gone that Wednesday before the very last weekend. I can't... There are no words. Just an overwhelming urge to scream and punch a wall. To feel the bones in my hands make a resounding crunch as they make contact with a hard surface. To blind my brain with flashes of pain, shocking these emotions back into silence. Yet here I remain... Quiet and restrained... Controlling the chaos that lives inside me.

...I miss him so much.

-pauses to take a drink of her coffee and to get her bearings-

One day at a time...only feels more like an eternity.

Two more months...May 14th. It'll be a Year. So much has changed...

Fuck, I need an escape.

-Anon-

Turning Myself Inside Out

A strange quiet surrounds my thoughts, tangled emotions magically silent...leaving me be for a blissful moment. There's a tinge of regret for the way I exposed myself on Facebook; words poured out in frustrated anger from the horrible storm raging deep inside. The need to apologize overwhelms me. I never wanted to allow that out in the open...but I haven't been myself.

The bad dreams I've been experiencing have all been the exact same theme; same people, same places... The same guilty expression on their faces. The bowed shoulders, head hung low, eyes averted to the ground as their voice flowed out meekly as they spoke. No eye contact what so ever... Yet oddly staying in the background, unable to watch me as I proceeded to do what needed to be done.

I don't want to close my eyes and find myself there again. Five different times is enough. I can't deal with it again. Just let it go away...

-sighs and shakes her head-

I shouldn't apologize for the way I feel or how I convey said feelings to those I care about. I do however, apologize for the way they were expressed...the last thing I ever want to do is make anyone I care about uncomfortable. Even to those who have wronged me.

Why do I care so much? Why do I have this innate need to be chivalrous, polite and compassionate to those who have treated me so carelessly? Probably because that's just simply who I am. I simply cannot abide rudeness...or indecency. To use my words or actions in such a way that pain blossoms behind their eyes... To me, completely unacceptable. I am not a cruel person nor will I ever grant myself to do so, even if it's justified. The human mind is a mess of complexity, and what I've learned over the years is that their own conscience is enough...their own actions will come back to haunt them. Yet, if they themselves don't learn from it, than so be it. Not my place to teach them. Those lessons are best learned on their own.

There's an ache deep inside that makes my chest tighten and my breath hitch. Forcing myself to deal with my emotions can only compare to injecting yourself with venom to build an immunity. It's painful...but the more you do it, the stronger you become and the easier it is to deal with. At least, I'd like to convince myself of that.

-takes a slow, deep needed breath and releases it; hoping the pressure in her chest will begin to ease-

I just wish I could shut off. I know I can, I've done it before...but that doesn't allow me to deal with what I'm feeling and when I finally come back into myself again... It's even worse than before. I've learned how well that works the first few times. Heh...no thanks. I'd rather just deal with it now, to the best of my ability than let it fester and become infected.

Too many thoughts and not enough words to make them comprehensible. Mostly, they're made of images and emotions... Feelings too intense to express through prose alone. I guess my best bet is to simply write, as gently as I can, to allow the pain to run its course.

Again, I apologize for the way I ranted the other night... I feel that it may have been inappropriate even if I thought it was appropriate at the time. I'll make a point to not let my anger get the better of me. Usually, I'm very good about keeping it in check. Perhaps, with peaceful sleep...I can find myself again.

One can only hope.

-gives a small smile-

-Adieu

Unleashed in Dreams

The suddenness struck me. Sharp words that slapped me into silence and I had to walk away. Tears began to pool at my lashline and I fought to push them back. Be stronger. Be stone. But they ignored my bravery and began to spill freely down the heated flesh; trails of unwanted emotion escaping their tomb of flesh and bone.

To hear such painful words, spoken with a deadly tone from the gentle lips of loved ones... Tore into me. I knew it was merely a bad dream, that what was said wasn't truth...that it was simply what my Dad called a 'Brainfart'. But it hurt as if it were real.

I sobbed myself awake. Which hasn't happened in many years. -sighs softly and takes a drink of her freshly brewed, extra strong coffee- I cried so hard in the nightmarish dream that I literally cried myself awake, face down against my pillow...and couldn't stop. The pain was an immediate agony nestled within my chest like a baby xenomorph beginning to awake.

That rant late last night must've barely scratched the surface of what I was withholding from myself deep inside. While I needed to let off some steam, I had no idea what was still writhing in the back of my mind. Even now as I type these words, half asleep and drinking my coffee...there's a slight trembling in my fingertips, my stomach clenched as a pressure pushes down against my ribcage. Deeply haunted by the emotions that surged through me.

-grumbles and shakes her head after taking another gulp of coffee-

Perhaps this was needed. Snapping the levee so the venom could run clean. Of course I would be confronted in dreams... The only place where I'm truly vulnerable. 

In waking life I'm generally very reserved about the chaotic emotions coursing through me. I don't vent because of it. The only times I could safely allow such feelings to surface was through song/within a story/sketched out on paper/or as a completely different character on stage.

This bubbling over into waking life left me feeling unnerved and weak. Reminding me of how fragile I truly am...a trait that I have a hard time stomaching.

-shakes her head and empties her cup of that comforting nectar-

On that note my luvlies, I'm going to finish here, grab another cup of coffee and hopefully rid myself of the last remnants of those bad dreams from my mind. I plan on waking up and having a better day.

-Adieu

Blood and Dishonor

A trembling hand brings a black Nightmare Before Christmas thermos to chapped lips, inwardly hoping that the shaking will stabilize enough to tip the edge against those lips to capture the hot coffee from within without scolding the tender flesh. Careful movements deem successful as a wave of hat travels from a parched mouth and leaves a trail of warmth into the stomach. A small comfort after a restless night of painful dreams.

There was a dark energy in the dreamscape, a living thing that seemed to follow my every move. No matter how pleasant my surroundings, when I'd find myself peering off behind me; the places that were absent of light, which should have been nothing more than innocent shadow... There was something malevolent in their place. As if they were too dark, a blackness that held its own intelligence. A terrible shapeless mass that was simply lying in wait...

As I traveled the inner catacombs of my sleep, I could feel it just behind me. Its rancid breath fanning against the back of my heels; hot and sickly sweet. A torment I knew that if I didn't wake soon, I wouldn't be able to escape. 

I tried to out maneuver this terrible unseen presence, forcing myself to focus on the positive aspects of the dream even though the delicate hair that encompasses my flesh continued to bristle and rise in waves of anxiety induced goosebumps. A terrible knowing filled me even as I fought to ignore it... It's only a matter of time. 

The scenes blended into each other, as my dreams so often do, but with my last crossing the elements shifted and I was overwhelmed in darkness. A deep night had fallen and I found myself in nothing more than jeans and a T-shirt standing on a cracked sidewalk. The streets were empty; an old leviathan of pavement that slithered off into the distance with sporadic streets lamps glowing softly against an intense black. My footsteps left a soft echo of my journey; cold cement shocking my nerves with every step I took. As I walked, feeling less afraid as before, there was still an unease pressing against my ribcage when a wordless voice danced behind my eyes, 'You're not going to like what you see.'

Without warning… I stopped. 

There, not five feet ahead of me, under the eerie glow of a lone street light stood two figures. I strained at first to understand the oddness of the shapes; two twisting shadows that seemed to curl into each other. Yet as I watched, patient and motionless as a cool breeze whispered against the exposed flesh of my face, neck and arms...the vision before me began to manifest.

I felt my stomach twist and my chest tighten as the breath halted at my lips.

I could feel the inner scar of a painful memory tear open and began to bleed out in front of me. Forced to watch a terrible thing replay before my eyes, draining the very life from my face.

A pulsing ache tightened my ribcage and I found myself grabbing the thin material of my shirt; small knuckles showing bone white from the strain. I tried to take a calming breath against the feeling of my intestines becoming a nest of angry vipers; hissing and writhing in outrage.

Tears pooled, hot and immediate at my lashline...only to fall in streams of emotion down the bloodless pale skin of my face.

I wanted to scream, to let out a all the resentment and betrayal into that cold darkness above me... But no sound came. Instead I merely stood there, trapped inside my useless body and watched as those two shadows had become flesh...

A sharp wave of energy tore through my broken spirit and I suddenly found myself able to breathe again. You think I would've taken the opportunity to turn tail and run, to get away from the writhing movements and the intimate sounds they were making...but the presence within me had something far different in mind.

My teeth began to crack and fall from my bleeding mouth as my jaw jutted outward, filling itself with rows of razor sharp teeth. Tiny drops of red met my sight against the aged sidewalk when I was forced onto my hands and knees. Terrible quakes of agony surged through my body as I watched, helplessly, as the person I had been...was suddenly shredded from my flesh.

Talons curved out from my fingertips as the sound of my bones cracked within my skull. Skin and tissue slapped wetly against the cement beneath me as I clenched my aching eyes shut, to block out the sting of blood and thicker things invading my sight. 

As quickly as the horror took hold of me, I was suddenly very still… It was over. 

Panting, I felt a rush of calm weave through me as a cool breeze danced through the fine, thick fur along my body. As if the night had outstretched an unseen hand and soothed my heated form. Eyes closed, I took a deep needed breath and held it. Stretching my newly formed lungs within a powerful chest, thinking it would calm me further...when a scent hit the back of my tongue, bringing a terrible rage to the surface.

Glowing eyes snapped open; a veil of red shrouded the tunnel vision that encased the two naked, hairless apes before me. I felt the growl begin within my depths before it rumbled throughout my entire being and reverberated past my jaws; lips pulled upward and back to reveal curved canines pointed like eight inch daggers as saliva trickled from their tips and fell away. The rage inside of me thundered, an ancient storm bursting forth from the depths of a long forgotten tomb. There was only one thing this living rage demanded… A disturbingly welcome yearning that tickled every tendon and every vein, filling my muscles with a strength I never had.

Revenge.

The whites of their eyes shown wildly beneath the golden hue of the lamp above them. Terrified of the thing they saw emerge from the void.

They never had a chance…

One moment my head is lowered, ears laid flat against my skull as my shoulders tensed, muscles taught along my spine and deep into my arms and legs. I felt the tension show somewhere within my spine as something long whipped back and forth behind me. I splayed my padded hands and feet and dug into the sidewalk beneath me, only to find the hard surface part like warm butter as silver edged talons tore effortlessly into the old concrete.

Suddenly I was moving and the world slowed into blurry shadows. I was struck by an overwhelming wave of white noise as blood rushed through my ears. Coffee hot, wet copper splashed against my tongue and as that taste ghosted my senses something inside me snapped and the world and everything in it…went black.

Time seemed to warp and twist in those lost moments of pure darkness. There were no screams, not even a whisper of breath to keep me company. Just an all consuming silence keeping me still.

Then it was over.

Covered from head to tail in pieces of flesh and thicker things, small streams of heat rose into the cold darkness above me as the soft sound of dripping caught my ears. Something warm and wet drenched my thick fur and as I rolled my gaze toward the earth I found myself standing in a pool of blood.

Those naked shapes had become nothing more than the shredded, rotting remains of painful yesterdays. Even though the scent of death clung to the back of my throat like a bad memory, I shook the bloody pieces from my flesh, cleansing myself beneath the ever watchful gaze of my lunar mother hidden within the black.

My world had found peace within that terrible chaos. The wrongs having been devoured by a vengeful beast that took no pity. It had done its duty; ravaging the living disgrace that had dishonored an innocent. No more would the wounded heart have to suffer the forked tongue hidden behind an honest face.

The air was cool and welcoming as my body moved on its own accord. Taking me on a new journey…

Destination, unknown.

-Fades to Black-

Unrestrained Chaos

Echo-less thoughts stream through the broken catacombs of a tortured mind. If only the soul had spoken sooner, allowing the poison to surface and run clean... It had seen it happen long before the manifest. Long before the pain had a chance to carve the vorpal blade against a wounded heart. There would've been...there could've been... Now, it's nothing more than the shadow of a nightmare with no way of escaping.

The ache is deep and seething, burning through shattered scars of painful memories, torn yesterdays with no means of end. The spirit screams out into the universe, calling forth the great serpent to swallow this horrific agony. Wailing out for that chained titan of fur and teeth, "Save me!" it roars; beckoning Fenrir home...

This travesty is the product of pure cowardice. Instead of kissing the innocence laid out before them, they kissed their fear. Sickening is the act that was done, uncaring, unfeeling...an empty selfish thing with no care as to the damage it has caused.

This wrong will not go unpunished.

Disgusted and betrayed, the soul sticks its courage to the sticking post and raises up; head high, ferocity within a terrible gaze. This will not be forgiven. Talons rip from delicate fingertips, pushing crimson streams from the torn flesh. A stark contrast of red against ivory kissed skin.

Chaos swirls within burning irises as hell-fire explodes from the inner cage. An awakening of something frightening...ancient and powerful as it weaves its way to the surface, consuming everything in its path. A rage so terrible that flights of angels turn away and the devil himself flees into the deepest level of hell for safety. Nothing will stop the horrible creation that's been unleashed.

Too long has it remained within the silence. Too long has the watchful guardian clenched its jaws in restraint. This atrocity will not pass without consequence. There is nothing to stop it. No sugar coated lies spilling forth from an honest face.

Boyish charm...do right smile... Blue Eyed Devil.

A terrible thing has begun... Inner transformation from broken innocence into uncontrollable destruction.

Never again...the soul weeps as the light fades out.

Consumed by the thing rising from within. The beginning of the end. 

Tell me love, will you bleed for me? As I leave you there to drown in a sea of your own deceit. Watch as I tear the light from your eyes and smile as you become nothing more...

Than a Whisper in a Crowd of Screams.

-Fades to Black-