The suddenness struck me. Sharp words that slapped me into silence and I had to walk away. Tears began to pool at my lashline and I fought to push them back. Be stronger. Be stone. But they ignored my bravery and began to spill freely down the heated flesh; trails of unwanted emotion escaping their tomb of flesh and bone.
To hear such painful words, spoken with a deadly tone from the gentle lips of loved ones... Tore into me. I knew it was merely a bad dream, that what was said wasn't truth...that it was simply what my Dad called a 'Brainfart'. But it hurt as if it were real.
I sobbed myself awake. Which hasn't happened in many years. -sighs softly and takes a drink of her freshly brewed, extra strong coffee- I cried so hard in the nightmarish dream that I literally cried myself awake, face down against my pillow...and couldn't stop. The pain was an immediate agony nestled within my chest like a baby xenomorph beginning to awake.
That rant late last night must've barely scratched the surface of what I was withholding from myself deep inside. While I needed to let off some steam, I had no idea what was still writhing in the back of my mind. Even now as I type these words, half asleep and drinking my coffee...there's a slight trembling in my fingertips, my stomach clenched as a pressure pushes down against my ribcage. Deeply haunted by the emotions that surged through me.
-grumbles and shakes her head after taking another gulp of coffee-
Perhaps this was needed. Snapping the levee so the venom could run clean. Of course I would be confronted in dreams... The only place where I'm truly vulnerable.
In waking life I'm generally very reserved about the chaotic emotions coursing through me. I don't vent because of it. The only times I could safely allow such feelings to surface was through song/within a story/sketched out on paper/or as a completely different character on stage.
This bubbling over into waking life left me feeling unnerved and weak. Reminding me of how fragile I truly am...a trait that I have a hard time stomaching.
-shakes her head and empties her cup of that comforting nectar-
On that note my luvlies, I'm going to finish here, grab another cup of coffee and hopefully rid myself of the last remnants of those bad dreams from my mind. I plan on waking up and having a better day.
-Adieu
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