-takes a slow, steadying breath as her chest tightens-
Seeing the beginning of a true Aliens sequel has really dug a knife into me. Hearing my Idol Sigourney Weaver talking excitedly about the concept of it...that Michael Biehn will be reprising his role as Corp. Hicks... All I could think of was how badly I wanted to talk to Dad about it because who knew better than anyone else, how much it means to me.
Than that horrible realization slams against my skull that I will never hear his voice again...
I struggle to type these words as the threat of tears begin to blur my vision. This ache hasn't gone away, and I highly doubt it ever will. He was my best friend, my hero. I know I've said this before, but only those who truly know me, know that I'm putting it lightly. It's as though a very important piece of myself has been ripped out and thrown into the abyss. We had a twin link and to have him not be here, has been really weighing me down. I try to get through each day, some days are easier than others. But it all comes flooding back, like a god damned flash of lightening and I feel myself wanting to curl up in a darkened room and never come out.
-scoffs darkly and shakes her head-
It's possible the only reason I'm feeling emotionally vulnerable right now is due to the natural hormonal fluctuations of the human female body. Basically forcing me to face what's usually buried just beneath the surface. It tries to consume me with feeling...until I become numb from it.
Therapy is probably something I need, but due to my current situation, it's just not an option. So I'm not all that worried about it. I'm forcing myself to deal with it in a healthy manner, in a way a therapist would recommend and so far... It hurts like sonuvabitch.
I wish the nightmares would fuck off already (pardon my french) and let me sleep with some relative normalcy. There's been three nights I've slept without incident in the span of two weeks. Without feeling as though I was being twisted up from the inside out. I'm afraid to dream. Afraid of the things lying in wait. I don't feel safe anymore. I haven't in a very long time...
So much has changed, people and places...gone in an instant. Cycles shift and I'm starting over again. I want to find peace. I want to go back to the place where I could hear the waves crashing along that rocky shore. To breathe in that salty air as a wall of mist formed beyond Catalina island. I want to go back to that sacred place where I felt whole... I want to go home.
 |
| (Point Fermin Park looking toward Catalina Island, just a short drive from where I grew up) |
The chest aches as I take a shaky breath, trying to keep my composure, to keep this storm inside me...restrained.
A place that feels like home, the Renaissance Pleasure Faire... Makes me weary. I want to be among my loved ones, to feel like my old self again. Knowing how my Dad wanted me to be there, even when he was sick and trapped in that fucking hospital bed... Knowing that he was gone that Wednesday before the very last weekend. I can't... There are no words. Just an overwhelming urge to scream and punch a wall. To feel the bones in my hands make a resounding crunch as they make contact with a hard surface. To blind my brain with flashes of pain, shocking these emotions back into silence. Yet here I remain... Quiet and restrained... Controlling the chaos that lives inside me.
...I miss him so much.
-pauses to take a drink of her coffee and to get her bearings-
One day at a time...only feels more like an eternity.
Two more months...May 14th. It'll be a Year. So much has changed...
Fuck, I need an escape.
-Anon-
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