Fragments of Yesterday

Thoughts cut through the fog that's dancing behind my eyes as a terrible ache pulses within a cage of flesh and bone. Trapped inside this prison created from a broken past, I struggle to keep myself away from the hounds of my self hatred; ravenous for a moment of weakness. Wanting nothing more than to devour the last good part of me.

The body itches, desperate for an escape. A small window of release so that this horror living inside me within the guise of tragic anxiety can be set free.

I'm tired of this. I want to crawl beneath the white noise and be at peace. I want to find myself again. The pain of my yesterdays has infected my hope for a better day. Confused and lost, it pulls at my sanity. My lack of control, unable to quell this poison inside, terrifies me.

Honesty bleeds from my fingertips as my lips remain motionless. Echoes of warmth resonate within bloodshot eyes as they fight back unwanted streams of emotion.

To feel the touch, innocent intention, the sacred sin. Bathed in safety, loneliness nothing more than a bad dream... If only.

This twisted mindset is eating away at the shattered fragments of this wounded heart. Forever fighting, struggling and screaming to claw towards the light. A constant battle to remember how it felt to dream, to feel the shimmer of hope resonate this empty shell. To remember what it was to feel love.

Hidden within this poetic-prose is the haunting cry of a broken spirit. An inaudible pleading to be saved from this self-inflicted hell. Try as I may, forcing myself to move forward, to keep going. Lying to myself that I'm okay. Smiling when inside all I want to do is scream until there's not even a whisper left...

Trying so hard to be positive when I'm constantly on edge. It feels exactly the way I did on those sleepless nights when Dad was at his most forgetful and called to me every thirty minutes. That crushing weight of anxiety, body tensing at every sound, unable to get the paranoia to dissipate. It's maddening.

...and lonely.

I keep telling myself 'this too shall pass', and it will... I just, don't want to Feel this anymore. The more I try, the harder I fight to bring myself up, the more I battle myself to keep my chin up... I weaken.

There's something fragile now, a delicate thing that threatens to shatter with every breath I take. I can't live like this. It's too much. No more. I'm tired of this pain eating at me every time I'm alone. Even when I find a distraction and I feel even a fragment of happiness, it's quickly swallowed by this hole growing inside of me.

I'm tired of failing everyone, my attempts at being a decent functioning human being has been nothing but a waste. Feeling as though everything and everyone that gets too close will only be damaged in some way.

I break and stain everything I touch. My mind has become a monster and it thrives on my shattered psyche, crippling me. I want my life back. I need to crawl out of this hole I'm struggling out of. I want better for others. I need to be the person they deserve. The person I should be...

 ...and not the pathetic excuse that failed her Father.

Broken is the silent heart that mourns what can never be.

There is only today and the possibility of tomorrow.

Maybe, it'll be better.

 ...maybe.

 -anon-

Ghostly Echoes Within the Gray

Gray skies greet me as I sit out on the quiet porch, my green Gir snuggie draped around me like a makeshift toga as I drink another cup of strong coffee while enjoying the cool late morning air. It's peaceful here, calm in a sense. I'm trying to draw from it, hoping it'll ease the ache echoing inside my chest.

Don't get me wrong, I do feel better on several levels. I'm not as I was a few days ago, which I think has to do with the fact that I allowed myself to work it out in the open. I knew that keeping that chaotic energy contained would only make it so much worse. I would also like to express my gratitude to those who took a moment out of their lives to read what I had written. To be honest, I never expected to see that post gain so much light. I expected it to fall more or less under the radar; nothing more than a whisper in the dark. I never anticipated so many would be listening.

-gives a small, grateful smile and takes a hefty drink from her Nightmare Before Christmas thermos-

The reason for this ache I mentioned is the result of feeling so very conflicted with mixed emotions when I woke just a few hours ago. The last chapter of my dreams spun my reality off center.

I was home, at the old apartment by the sea...and so was Dad.

Yes, this was my Dad when he was young.

He was healthy again, looking as he did in his mid thirties, early forties. Strong in build, less grey and more of that black hair that complimented his tanned skin and thick mustache. He was wearing a black T-Shirt and dark grey slacks with his flat black Nikes he always wore to work. His glasses appeared clearer, his hazel green eyes bright behind them as he spoke in that calm deep tone that always soothed me.

"I'm home now." He had said to me as he stood at the door to my old bedroom. "I'm better now, so I'm going to make up for the last year and a half. Okay bird?"

I stood there among packed cardboard boxes and felt almost surreal. It was my Hero. The one person who was always there no matter the distance between us. 

"Okay Dad." I replied with an uncertain voice and a smile that was a mixture of pain, shock, relief and hope.

He smiled, "let me go tell your brother." Dad added and turned, walking out of my sight.

I couldn't move. I stayed exactly where I was, mulling over the thoughts in my mind like sudden canon fire blasting holes along the side of an unsuspecting ship. 

For a moment I reveled in the warmth of knowing he was okay and he was back. That the past few horrible years had been nothing but a bad dream. That he was back and he was Dad again. Then the other thoughts hit me. ‘But he died, Erin. You saw him lying there…you knew he was gone. Yeah, I know that…but he’s back now. He’s okay. How am I going to explain to everyone that he’s here when they all know he died? But he made it back. He’s here. Everything’s going to be alright.’

A wave of relief had washed through me that this had all been a bad dream. Somehow, him becoming sick and dying in that VA hospital had never really happened. He’d left for a little while and he returned as the Dad I remembered. All of this pain and hopelessness and soul-consuming agony of loss was over. My world was pushed back into its proper orbit. I didn’t have to feel broken anymore. I didn’t have to fight the tears pooling along my lash line when I thought about how badly I wanted to talk to him and realizing I couldn’t. 

Despite the chaos of my thoughts, I felt hope. The one person I had been the closest with wasn’t actually gone. I was still mulling over how I was going to explain to everyone that even though he died, he was back. That he was here and everything was going to be okay. That my life was going to get better. Everything I had gone through was nothing more than a living nightmare to make me stronger. A learning experience. 

Dad never really left…

I was pulled from that alternate reality by the sound of the fan rotating back and forth in the corner of the room and Amy (the Hairless Rat), taking a drink from her water bottle. Blinking, defused morning sunlight pooled along the floor, having poured in from the cracks between the blinds of the window to my direct right. A groan rumbled past clenched teeth as I stretched and buried my face against the pillow. I had awoken face down against the bed, so my back tensed in protest when I started to move. I felt confused, wondering why I hadn’t woken up in my old room, wondering why I couldn’t feel the crisp moisture of the ocean on the cool breeze dancing into the room. Why I couldn’t smell the hint of Dad’s menthol Kools that used to weave through the cracks of my closed bedroom door, or the sound of the morning news Dad always put on after starting the morning pot of coffee. When had my room been so bright? 

That’s when it hit me and my eyes flew open. A painful spasm swept along every muscle throughout my body, forcing me to get up. Legs draped over the edge of the mattress, I was hunched over with my face in my hands; elbows resting against my thighs to keep me upright. 

I can imagine what kind of emotions reading this will stir in some of you. It was even harder to type out while trying to keep my composure. I had to pause several times, keeping the tears at bay. Kudos to me for being able to get these words out without falling apart. Especially since I’m listening to Pandora Radio and the song, “Say Something” by a Great Big World just started playing through the headphones covering my ears. The one song that reminds me of how hard I fought to keep Dad here, how much I struggled every day, barely sleeping, for weeks at a time. How I would’ve given everything just to have him with me now. 

-trembles as hot trails of emotions dash silently down her cheeks and pool at the edges of her mouth-

Well, that didn’t turn out like I wanted. -chuckles softly and wipes at her face, regaining some of her previous composure-

Why would I dream such a thing? Why the hell would my brain do that to me? I just don’t understand…mostly, I don’t enjoy this horrible sinking feeling deep inside my chest. I suppose the whole grieving process does all kinds of fun things to the psyche when you least expect it. Perhaps it really was Dad giving me a message. Maybe he never really left. Maybe things will get better. Or maybe I’ve finally snapped and am simply doing nothing more than spewing useless noise into the universe.

-shakes her head and empties drains her Nightmare Before Christmas thermos-

Wow, I’ve been writing this for a few hours now. I had to take several breaks in order to keep myself together. For the most part, anyway.

On a different note, Comic Con is happening right now and I’m a’lil bummed I couldn’t go. However, it just gives me more fuel to cosplay as my very own Ellen Ripley hybrid for next year. My main focus won’t be SDCC of course. It’ll just be an added bonus. I’ve been wanting to go to the other cons that I’ve been missing due to working every weekend at faire during April and May for the past few years. I think next year I’ll take a few days off so I can experience cosplaying with my friends. That’s a good 8 or so months away, which will be enough time to get myself in the shape I need to be in so I can honor Ripley properly. Yes, I can easily pass as her daughter, but I’d rather be the shorter, curvier, muscular version then a shorter, slightly chubby version. Especially if I’m going to go about it in my own twisted way… I really want to look the part.

Anyhoo, I’m gunna finish this here blog thingy of doom and drink my third cup of strong coffee. Don’t think I’m gunna play on Agar.io anytime soon, even if I greatly enjoy getting 4th place on the leader board -grins- only to then be eaten by a much bigger cell…assholes…

You can see I’m not as emotionally strung out as I could be. Definitely a good thing, right? I just…I don’t know what to make of what I dreamt. It’s not something I’ll be forgetting anytime soon. Who knows, maybe I’ll end up figuring it out and then I can share it with all of you.

It’s weird…my life sends me some pretty strange messages that always end up making sense a ways down the road. Seriously, it never fails. 

-shrugs- I don’t get it either.

-Adieu

Snow Covered Grizzlies and White Falcons

An ache courses through a tired form as the bladder demands release. With a disgruntled growl trapped somewhere within the depths of a large ribcage, the body begins to move. Feet planted on the ground, I shuffled toward the bathroom. The morning ritual of paying homage to the almighty porcelain gods. Face washed, teeth brushed, I exited that small, entirely too bright of space and made my way into the living room as dreams remain stark and fresh behind my tired eyes.

In the first sequence, I recall being in a house made of glass. Snow fell thick and freezing all around but I was inside where it was safe and warm. Or so I thought. I was waiting for my friend to finally settle in when I realized, there were Grizzlies just on the opposite side of the glass. There was a soft barking inside and I realized a small dog was also there, announcing that he too wasn’t too keen on those Grizzlies checking us out just on the other side. I ran over to the glass doors, which to my dismay, was where the largest of grizzlies was standing outside of. I tensed as it growled, but kept my eyes down. “Don’t make eye contact.” I said softly to myself and felt the lock click over into place. I raised my eyes just enough to notice the large male had decided to camp out a few feet away, head facing to the right, eyes heavy with sleep. I surveyed the others and there were two slightly smaller females about five feet to the right, a little further from the glass, curled up like two lazy cats in the snow. There was a fourth, further to the right, but it’s back was to me so I relaxed a little.

When I turned to see if he’d finally made it, I noticed it was the same familiar face that had graced my dreams before. But he was more solid, more real. His eyes lit up as he smiled at me. 

The dream was cut short by my brain waking me up, having rolled over onto a full bladder. A groan, I got up, went to the bathroom, came back and got back into bed. Melissa Etheridge’s ‘Sleep’ playing softly on my phone, lulling me back to that place I feel safe. I didn’t want to miss him. I felt cheated. I hoped that when I returned he’d be waiting for me. It’s rare, but sometimes I get lucky.

This time when I drifted back into that place beyond consciousness… He was waiting for me.

No longer trapped in that glass house surrounded by thick snow drifts and massive grizzlies, I was in an area that reminded me of old town Pasadena. Desert hills but cool with trees and old buildings. I was near a two story house, mostly brick. It didn’t fit. When I turned down the street, it changed somehow. It went from southern California to somewhere in the Midwest. The air was different, the sky was clearer, the roads hummed with a different kind of echo. I realized I was standing on a street I’ve never been, but it felt familiar somehow.

As I stood there in my confusion, I glanced up toward the telephone line and saw a white dove. I smiled as it peered down at me, but tensed when a very large light golden falcon swooped down, nearly capturing the dove. 

That husky voice interrupted my thoughts and made me turn toward the brick house. “Hey, you made it!” He exclaimed and trotted up to me. It was odd…for a moment, it seemed like he didn’t know what to do with himself. As though he wanted to hug me, but didn’t want to scare me. Instead, he shoved his hands into his jean pockets; his eyes smiling at me.

“Hey you.” I replied with a bashful smile, suddenly feeling just as awkward. “I was just watching the falcon.” 

His brows shot up. “Falcon? Really, where?” he asked and I motioned to the telephone lines to my left which gave him the excuse to not only take a step forward, but to stand directly next to me; his left arm brushing against my shoulder. A smile ghosted my lips at his subtlety but I kept it to myself.

“Oh wow…” I said in soft amazement as I brought my eyes up and the Falcon was suddenly White. “It wasn’t white before.”

His brow furrowed as he looked down at me. “Different bird, maybe?” His question was held in a deep tone that felt like heaven to my ears. Normally, I would’ve blanched with him standing so close, hearing his voice right next to my ear. 

But I was too focused on the anomaly. “I don’t know. I’ve never seen a white Falcon before.” I answered softly and shook my head. It was strange, but I knew there was a message there. Especially when I watched it take off, wings open, and suddenly there were feathers landing near my feet. It left feathers for me. I quickly collected the white feathers and held them close, knowing how important they were. 

In the next scene, we had gone to the front of the house and were just sitting and bullshitting. He seemed more relaxed but still bashful, as if he really wanted to touch me but couldn’t get himself to cross that line. Not yet. I remember we had both gotten up because he had gotten a text and had to make a quick phone call. As he walked away from me, hands in his pockets, he wore the biggest smile and even stopped in his stride to look at me one more time before exiting my sight. At that moment I could hear a voice in my head say, “He really likes you.”

It’s odd how it was over the course of a few days (gotta love how dreams play out. Mine? Just like a damned movie lol) we had spent every day together and I remember on the last day, he mentioned he had something he had to do that evening, something about seeing his family but he’d see me afterward as soon as he was free. I can’t remember the entirety of his attire, but his shirt sticks out the most. A blue and black flannel button down. But the material looked thick; made for cooler weather. 

“I’m glad you get to spend time with your family.” I said with a smile and sat to his left on a bench outside the house. 

He ran a hand through his unruly hair; a nervous tick that made me smile inwardly. “Me too.” He replied and finally gave me his eyes. “I promise to come see you afterward.”

I placed my right hand over his left hand that was resting on his thigh. “I’ll miss your company, but I’m not going anywhere, shuga.” I reassured in a gentle lull of a voice and went to squeeze his hand when he turned his palm up and interlocked his fingers with mine. 

Those eyes searched mine for a moment, as if he wanted to say something else…when he looked down and realized the size difference of our hands. “Oh my god, your hands are so tiny!” He exclaimed and brought my hand up so he could get a better look at it.

I let out a laugh as he put his left hand up and I placed my right hand there, palm to palm. “Yeah, I know.” I chuckled and shook my head.

“It’s just so cute!” He quipped with a laugh and brought our hands back down, but didn’t let go.

“Get going, you handsome dork.” I chimed and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling him into a hug. 

He held me flush against him, his face buried in the nape of my neck for a moment when he rumbled out, “Promise you’ll be here?”

I nodded and murmured, “Promise.” and kissed his cheek before unraveling myself from his embrace. I leaned back and found myself going tense when he placed those warm hands on either side of my face and pressed a gentle kiss on my forehead. I swallowed a lump of anxiety from the back of my throat and  felt myself relax.

He let his hands fall away, held mine one more time while looking deeply into my eyes. It was only a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity…drowning within the hidden worlds I saw looking back at me. In that moment I realized, I wanted to be there.

Then the moment was over. He was on his feet, one last look in my direction and started his journey down the street.

I watched as a fog pooled down from the heavens and began to devour everything along the street. I watched his figure become nothing more than a fading shadow as that swirling mist engulfed him and took him away.

The fog swallowed me but I wasn’t afraid. I had this smile on my face and a warm feeling resonating inside of me. Even when I was brought into a different dream, and new faces…he was still in my thoughts. It was so strange. I still had the white Falcon feathers in my hands, holding them close to my heart when I looked at them. I knew that I’d see him again. It warmed me to know he felt the same way. For the first time, I had hope again…

-shrugs and shakes her head-

I woke up with a heavy heart, wondering why I keep dreaming of him. But more specifically, why he was in all of my dreams last night. From the moment I fell asleep until I woke up. Well, maybe not the last hour, but I was thinking of him.

I’m a little better than I was yesterday, but I feel kind of off. I think I’m just going to go research the Falcon thing. See what that means. Maybe play some Agar.io again as Ellen Ripley and see if I have the patience to get on the leader boards again. Oddly enough, all I can think about is that damned dream…

I don’t get it.

-Adieu

Cyberdyne, Venting and General Weirdness

There are moments where I’m forced back into myself. An abrupt stop into the depths of my memory warehouse and I’m standing before a screen, watching a piece of my life play before me. My chest tightens and my breath hitches, having become numb with feeling. I stand ever so still, hoping that the tsunami surging through me will subside quickly and I’ll be left in a calm state of silence. But it never works out that way… Finding myself choking on a horde of painful memories and the suppressed emotions that come attached to them.

When I learned a new addition to the Terminator series was going to be hitting theatres, I was torn. Terminator 2; Judgment Day sits right up there with Aliens as my all time favorite movies. It reminded me of good memories of my childhood…of my Dad. We could never get bored watching it. We used to argue over the third installment because it pissed me off and he thought I was being too harsh. Terminator Salvation made up for it and Dad was just glad that I geeked out over it. -chuckles- 

Remember how I mentioned my Dad loved space? He worked for Hughes Aerospace and was involved in really cool projects such as working on the brain of what he and his team called ‘Tweety’ because it was small and only propelled itself through space with “Mouse Farts” as he called it. It was created to orbit comets… I’m sure you’ve heard of those by now. Well, I’ve got a funny story for you. When T2 came out, he had mentioned to my big brother that he was working on a British Communications or Defense satellite (I can’t remember exactly but it’s still hilariously awesome) called, SkyNet. When my brother’s friend found out, apparently he went white. 

Never did find out if SkyNet ever made it into orbit…

-laughs softly and shakes her head- 

So despite hearing mixed reviews about the new installment, I was fortunate enough to go see it last night with one of my best friends. As a fellow Terminator fan, there was allot of shared geeking out (it was pretty funny) and the one thing that kept going through my head the entire movie was, “Dad would’ve loved this” and when we got to the end of the film (don’t worry, I won’t spoil it for you) I felt something inside me break and had to literally fight myself during the credits from completely falling apart. Tears dashed hot and silent along my skin and I had to force myself to be still; quickly wiping the offensive streams of moisture from my flesh.

When we stepped out into the nearly empty parking lot, a thick fog had appeared…the same swirling mist that always makes me feel as though he’s somehow with me, just on the other side of that grey veil. 

-pauses to take a hefty drink of coffee from her Nightmare Before Christmas thermos; swallowing the thick ball of emotion from the back of her throat-

It’s odd…how this seems to coincide with strange sightings of things that immediately bring my Dad to the forefront of my mind. I’ve been seeing my Dad’s old Toyota Pick Up (almost the exact same model) for the past two weeks. I was definitely Not looking for them and also, as popular as Toys are, the older models don’t usually show up in threes. I’ve seen Seven now. Never the same color, but the Exact model. This has Never happened before. Then, yesterday before finally going to see the movie, I kept seeing a huge dragonfly…and not in the same part of town. It kept showing up just above my head…and then I saw another Toyota Pick Up… So you can understand why it all crashed down on me at once after the movie.

I’ve been trying to keep myself together. Lately more of the emotions from those memories have been hitting me like a night terror that refuses to pry its cold dead fingers from your panicked soul.

Most days I’m able to keep my shit together. I don’t let myself drown in the past or what’s happened. I’m a little too preoccupied with what’s going to happen tomorrow. I’m trying so fucking hard to get the broken pieces of my life to fit back into something resembling normalcy. Yes, I’m still pretty damned lost in the forest…but I’ve managed to enjoy the trees. I’ve forced myself to see the good in everything. I’ve already got enough darkness welling up inside me that I don’t need it spilling over into my waking life.

Eh, I’m all over the place, but it feels good to get these chaotic thoughts out of my head before they start eating away at what’s left of my sanity.

-gives a small smile and shakes her head at herself-

I should probably talk about pleasant things, no?

I’m job hunting, been job hunting and hopefully something sticks soon…I know being a productive member of society will really quell the thoughts in my head. I miss being busy. I miss driving my Ellie. I miss being self-sufficient. The bitch of it is the simple fact that it hasn’t been enough. Thankfully, I’ve grown confident enough to just get on a bus and trust that I’ll get to where I need to go. 

I honestly need to start over. Completely redo my world. My main goal of getting to Salem Oregon hasn’t changed. There’s something deep down inside me that’s beckoning me to just ‘Go For It’, but what exactly? Hell if I know… There’s so much inside me that’s been transitioning that it’s hard to get my thoughts in order. I’m sure my words are all over the place right now, and I apologize for that. I think I just hit that point most writer’s know all too well, where you suddenly need to keep writing. Just let as much out as possible. Since we’re on the subject of being open… I’m in a weird state inside, especially when it comes to being in a relationship. I’ve been alone for awhile now and when I think about it, I’m okay. Sure, it’d be fantastic to have someone sit and bullshit with, watch bad movies and do our own version of mystery science theatre. Play video games, make fun of each other. Have really intense, intellectual conversations about evolution, space, history, life, animals, philosophy, theology and other random shit. To be complete and utter dorks together. It would be lovely. Yet, lately… I want to be alone. I don’t want to be touched. As though a switch went off inside and I don’t want to feel affection. I just don’t want to feel. Because once you start to really Feel again, you start to experience dormant emotions, which can only mean the others aren’t far behind. Feeling safe enough to show that part of myself makes it incredibly hard to keep the pain from reaching the surface. I don’t want to feel that vulnerable. Showing something that intimate can just give them another weapon to use. Another way to dig the blade a little deeper. Never give anyone too much of yourself…because somehow, you get screwed in the end. It’s not true for everyone, I know that. I can say with perfect honesty that I’m a whole lot of fucked up inside. That’s not a ‘pity-party’ statement for sympathy. Ya’ll should know me better than that. 

And to be honest, I hate crying. 

Maybe it’s just temporary. Could just be a wounded part of myself making itself known. A feeling that can only be described as follows; “Everything I love is ripped away from me. Better to become stone than shattered glass.” I think that made sense…

-Shrugs and takes a drink of her coffee; sad that it’s almost gone-

Oh and get this, I’ve been experiencing slight memory loss lately and have had to force myself to remember. I had to fight to remember dates. A part of my brain is holding things hostage. Literally sitting and trying to recall everything that’s happened from this very moment to back to right around the time my Dad first started getting sick… It’s the weirdest feeling. After I remember, it’s suddenly gone. As though my brain is only making cracks in the huge walls surrounding my memories. I know I have some form of PTSD, my brain just has this knack for protecting me from it, well…most of the time, especially in public. It’s really strange having to fight myself to remember things. I know for a damned fact it’s there (memories) hell, I can recall them just enough…but if I focus a little too long, my brain switches off. It’s seriously annoying. I thought I’d gotten passed that already. I guess not.

Things will get better. Or so I tell myself every chance I get. It works for the most part. Today? I got into an internal debate with myself and almost lost. There’s a chunk of myself that is very unhappy and decided that she was going to make a big ole stink about it when I wasn’t prepared. Heh, didn’t quite work out in her favor. I managed to shut her up by not giving in and just went to that quiet place deep inside that drowns me in peaceful shadows. I wasn’t going to waste my energy on her petty bullshit.

It’s funny. Remembering being emotional, letting it out poetically and getting feedback about needing to get over it. It wasn’t meant to be hurtful, just frank. Now I don’t get emotional because I don’t want to deal with it (as in myself, not others comments). I wouldn’t be able to stomach it. I’ve actually become that harsh voice that tells me to shut the fuck up, buck up and soldier on. Isn’t that weird? I used to be so soft, so innocent, so fucking naive… Does that happen when someone goes through allot of emotional trauma? A part of me really doesn’t give a shit anymore. I wonder if that has to do with learning that everyone leaves in the end, in some form or another. It’s just better to be closed off then allow that pain to ever happen again. 

Jesus…I sound so much like Riddick right now and not in a good way.

You know, it’s probably just a phase. This’ll pass. Sure, it’s been a weird process internally, but we all have our moments.

On a positive note, I’ve lost even more weight and have become more toned. I smile when I look in the mirror and see more definition. I don’t plan on gettin’ tiny, just trim. I’d rather be toned and strong than weak. Not being able to defend myself is not something I like thinking about. I never want to feel helpless again. 

You know, I think I’ve gone on long enough -smirks and shakes her head- 

Don’t worry, I’ll be okay. I always am. Haven’t given up yet, no matter how tempting…

Everything changes, so who knows…maybe something good is on its way and I’ll have a something good to focus on.

Yeah, that sounds good.

-Anon- 

Break On Through To The Other Side

Music travels through the delicate pathways of my eardrums as headphones cover my ears, drowning out the quiet of the early morning. Strange images still dance behind sleep filled eyes as an overactive mind tries to decipher their meaning. Symbols and themes caress my wayward thoughts; playful fireflies blinking off and on within the black as I try in desperation to capture them. Elusive little shits.

-chuckles and takes a drink of her coffee-

The sky was an endless darkness as night held the world in its secret embrace. The air was crisp and comforting, the scent of fall curling through my senses. A gentle reminder that the blaze of summer will end and the beauty of autumn will lovingly take its place.

The first scene I can remember, was walking into an apartment and realizing Jim Morrison was standing in front of me. “There she is!” He announced with a warm smile and wrapped his arms around me.

“Uh, holy shit hi!” I stuttered in surprise and hugged him back, eyes wide with astonishment.

He let go and smiled down at me, “I was just telling her about you.” Jim replied and motioned over his right shoulder toward the kitchen to the left of my vision. It was a faceless woman getting something out of the fridge with long, light blonde hair. 

“You were?” I asked the obvious, trying to wrap my brain around what I was experiencing. The room wasn’t modern, neither was their attire. I was literally standing in His time period; as though I had crossed a doorway through time without even realizing it. Which had literally been the door to his apartment.

“He was just telling us that he has this incredibly talented friend.” The woman quipped from across the room with a warm tone and motherly smile. 

Jim seemed to beam at this and wrapped his arm around my shoulders only to announce, “a friend I’ve known for years. Been awhile since we’ve seen each other.” 

I smiled and leaned into his embrace before he let his arm slip away. “It has been awhile.”

“Well it’s good to see you Cat.” Jim replied when another woman, a strawberry blonde who’s face I couldn’t place but I felt as close to her as I did Jim.

“Honey, don’t forget.” She said in the softest voice that reminded me of spring sunlight dancing along my skin. “You’ve still got to head out.” She then saw me and gave a bright smile, “Hey lovely.”

A warm smile filled my face, “Hey beautiful.” I replied and returned her little wave before she disappeared down a hallway.

“Well, gotta head out. Don’t be a stranger, alright? Things are different now.” Jim explained and held the door open, as if he were going to head out before me.

Something in my stomach tensed and a bad feeling danced the length of my spine. “Wait!”

I was cut off by the smile he gave me, an odd kind of sadness filling his soulful eyes. “It’s okay kitty-cat.” He mused softly and stepped through the door.

-takes another drink from her Nightmare Before Christmas Thermos-

Scene changed again, but it was still night. I was in that familiar beach city created somewhere in the back of my mind. That place I mentioned before. I was with another group of friends, looking in the distance toward the heavens when something strange happened.

There was a pulsing fog against the black of night, almost like a veil, and as I watched, I could see those other planets I’ve spoken about, the twisting iridescent galaxy and something else. Another huge planet with a thin rim of rings, something I haven’t seen before. 

“Can you see it?!” I exclaimed like a child seeing Santa’s slay high above the houses. 

“Barely, what is that?” The faceless female friend to my right replied and I growled in frustration.

“I need my camera.” I thought aloud, turned and ran back toward the small building we were all residing in, found my camera and came charging back out and almost ate-shit down the small flight of stairs leading down into the grass. I ignored my moment of grace and started snapping pictures. Somehow, the camera picked up more then what the human eye could see.

It was the same planets, same galaxy and that added goliath to the right. My heart leapt into the back of my throat at the thought that this was real. I finally had proof. I could finally show everyone what I had been talking about. It was so beautiful I started to get choked up and knew that if Dad were still alive, he would’ve loved this.

-pauses as her chest threatens to tighten and takes a drink of her coffee-

I had started walking back to the building alone, glancing at the pictures I had just taken when one male friend was waiting for me near the glass doors. I gave a small smile and trotted up the small flight and had noticed another friend of ours down near a hedge about fifteen feet away when the guy to my left called out.

“Dude, book it! You’ve got a Mountain Lion trailing!”

My eyes turn to my right and I see a very large, dark golden Mountain Lion crouched, crawl-sprinting toward him when I ran across the front of the building and stopped until I was about ten feet before the large cat. “Hey! Ease down!”

The cat tensed as if scolded and relaxed, stood and brought it’s huge golden eyes to my face. It’s posture completely changed from going in for the kill to playful and relaxed. “It’s okay, he won’t hurt you, will you baby?” I said in a soft voice and the cat started walking casually toward me. I felt absolutely no fear for my safety.

“Don’t let him get close, he’ll kill you!” The guy shouted behind me and the Mountain Lion’s eyes focused on the men behind me and it’s posture changed. It thought I was being threatened. “Hurry up and get over here so we can go inside!”

I was torn. I wanted to spend time with the Mountain Lion, but if I did it would have no problem eating my friends and they weren’t about to leave me out there. “Fuck it.” I spat under my breath, threw my head back and let out a wolf howl. At first, the large cat stopped and just looked at me in confusion. I paused to take a breath and let out an even louder howl but this time, the cat seemed excited and start trotted happily toward me.

“Dammit, Erin! It’s only calling it closer to you! Get your ass over here!”

With a snarl of frustration I booked it over to my friends and went inside the building. I could see the Mountain Lion make his way up the stairs as if he owned the place and just shook my head. “He wouldn’t have hurt me.” I stated in a low voice and looked a little to the right on our side of the glass where another Mountain Lion was curled up, fast asleep. I turned toward the men, their shared expression of fear and shock bringing a sinister smile to my lips. I purred, “They’d never hurt their mother.”

-|-

Weird dreams huh? 

-chuckles and takes another drink of her coffee-

Yeah, I don’t get it either. Wish I could transfer the images of that other universe into pictures. Every time I see that place, that other solar system… I think of my Dad. He loved Space so much…

Anyhoo, on that note…I’m gunna try to wake up properly and maybe play s’more Agar.io. Now that’s a fun game that’ll eat your brain cells. Especially when you play under the name Ellen Ripley and end up on the leader board -grins evilly- I highly recommend it.

-Adieu

Find Me In Dreams

When that comforting shadow of night begins to curl around my tired form, I find myself being carried away toward a familiar place. I've been there so many times before that it's become my second home. A place with endless blue skies and crystal clear seas. Where sometimes I find myself looking up toward the heavens and see distant worlds staring back at me. It's the same planetoids every time. There are two specifically that stay together. One is six times larger than our moon, and the one in front of it, on the lower left hand side is three times larger. Both are water planets, especially the larger one. Seeing them in the early afternoon sky is just breath taking. The suns are also just as beautiful, one right next to the other. A white giant with a slightly smaller golden sister. 

I don't know why I've been dreaming of this place, but it's been happening for as far back as I can remember. If you think that sounds beautiful, seeing those planets ghosting the darkness above your head with a massive twisting galaxy in the distance would take your breath away. The inner portion shimmering with vibrant purples, electric blues and glowing greens... My words will never do it justice. 

It's also in this special dreamscape that I've had familiar company for the past few weeks. In those brief moments I'm not alone. I feel wanted, safe and dare I say... Loved.

-|-

Sheets tangled along a resting form as she shifted her legs, having curled onto her left side, the pillow soft and welcoming. Fighting the urge to get up, she buried her face against its softness, as if she could somehow melt away and be consumed in all that comfort. Of course the effort was futile and she was now unfortunately, wide awake.

A groan trapped itself in the back of her throat when she felt the bed move followed by a firm body pressing up against her from behind.

Petal soft lips left a kiss on the nape of her neck. "Comfy?" A rich growl of a voice rumbled out in question, sending delicious waves of heat to travel down her spine and nearly made her shudder.

A slow nod of the head, "MmHm." She murmured softly and felt him place his chin on her shoulder.

"Ready to get up?" He asked in that low thunder and chuckled when she shook her head and hid her face against her pillow. A smile pulled at the edge of his lips when he quipped, "you're adorable." draped his arm over her waist and pulled her flush against him; the naked expanse of his well muscled chest pressed against the softness of her exposed back. She let out a surprised squeak at the sudden closeness of him and pulled the sheet over her head.

An appreciative laugh filled the quiet darkness of the bedroom as she tried, and failed, to hide under the sheet between them. With shake of his head, he pulled the thin material back long enough to push her onto her back, position himself to where she was forced to wrap her legs around his narrow waist as he draped himself along her body and gave a rueful grin. "Helllloooo nurse!" He exclaimed with a wiggle of his brow and let out a low chuckle when she rolled her eyes at him. 

A small hand smacked him playfully on his left bicep. "Dork!" She retorted with a smile and squeaked when he wiggled himself against her.

"But you're so adorable!" He managed to put his hands on either side of her face as he said this. "I just can't help myself!" 

Her eyes narrowed into slits as he proceeded to smoosh her cheeks making her look like a puffer fish. "Look at that face!" He sing-songed teasingly and pressed his forehead against hers until she was drowning in his irises. 

She blinked as he just stayed that way for almost a minute when he finally mused, "hi." And quickly flew back when she let out a warning growl and launched forward, ready to headbutt him.

"You jerk!" She snapped while trying to pinch his sides and let out an irritated growl when he grabbed her by the wrists and pinned her arms down against the mattress. "You're lucky I like you..."

"Oh really?" He purred with a husky laugh and quirked a brow. "Thems fightin' words, little lady."

She scoffed as a devious grin danced across her full lips. "Come closer and I'll show you." Her words were wrapped in silk but he knew better.

"Oh no, I'm not falling for it." He countered with a smirk when she she tried to bring her legs up and decided to pin her down with his weight, knowing she was trying to put her feet against his chest to push him off. "I don't think so, you saucy little lynx."

A sigh of defeat danced through her clenched teeth as she relaxed against the mattress, knowing she wasn't about to go anywhere with his goofy ass pinning her there. She had to change tactics. Instead, she decided to play nice. "Can I please get up?"

He searched her face with a weary expression, "I don't know..." he trailed off and canted his head to the left and added, "can you?"

Murder flashed in her eyes which made him laugh, "I'm kidding!" He exclaimed and not only let up, but rolled off the bed to get out of her way. He knew better than to get within hitting distance. That woman was deadly with a pillow.

Eyeing him carefully, she slowly sat up, swung her legs off the bed and just glared at him. When he put up his hands in defeat, she stood and started stretch her tired muscles when she was suddenly flung back onto the bed; he had snuck up and tackled her back down against the mattress.

Before she could unleash a torrent of curses she was suddenly silenced... As the feeling of those soft lips pressed against hers in a possessive kiss caused all brain function to cease to exist.

-|-

Just a small tidbit from the dreams I've been having lately. Incredibly adorkable, I know. 

-gives a small smile and takes a drink of her coffee-

As pleasant as they've been, the warm feeling tends to drain away once I realize it was only a dream. It's odd to say that lately, I've been looking forward to falling asleep, knowing that in that dreamscape, I have someone waiting for me...

-gives a Gaelic shrug-

Not sure what they mean, but they're still lovely just the same.

-Adieu