Coffee, rich and strong, runs a line of heat down my throat and pools in my stomach like a warm hug from the inside. It's a small comfort as the body fights off the fading aches of an uncomfortable night of sleep. I sit here, feeling the whisper of a gentle breeze trickling in through the open windows as soft rays of a late summer sun bleed in through the cracks in the blinds. It's calm here on this early friday morning... But it won't stay this way for long. There's a slow charge in the air around me, an energy that's growing, a warning that this is only the calm before the storm.
Around noon is when Dad will be taken to Kaiser. Only difference this time, is we're prepared. I'm prepared. I know what needs to be done and the help he needs and I won't allow myself to be bullied away. Before I was scared and hopeful, thinking that a hospital would definitely help. How wrong I was... This time I'm not all warm'n'fuzzy nor am I fearful of what we'll find out. I'm residing in that calm place where the world has become nothing more than white noise behind my eyes.
I've obviously been having a helluva time trying to keep myself Shiny throughout all of this. It's hard to keep my 'Kaylee' like attitude when the 'verse is forcing me to react like 'River' on a bad day. A walking catastrophe of emotions where the world feels like it's inside out and there's just too much noise in my head to even form a single positive thought. Or any thought for that matter. Where the constructive becomes destructive and all I want to do is scream until all I hear is the wailing of my own voice above the tsunami of chaos in my brain.
Heh, guess I understand River better than I thought. Knowing how overwhelming it is when you feel everything with such a sharp clarity, unable to shut it out, drowning within a sea of crazy that's not your own. Sensing the hidden truths of things, natural vibrations in the world around you, whispering in a language only you can understand. It's not only exhausting...it's terrifying. Getting small flashes of what's to come, how things will pan out if something isn't done. Not only a logical calculation of events that can unfold, but a true sense of what will come to pass. A warning from an unseen intelligence that's all around you.
Seeing the world the way that I do, is not just through these tired eyes that focus on this ghostly white screen as my fingers dance along the keyboard. It's as though invisible streams of energy reach out from my body and read the unseen echoes of my surroundings. And sometimes, they brush against a fluttering wavelength, a small glimpse into a possible future and I feel myself go rigid. It's not just a picture, it's as though I'm there... Feeling every emotion, hearing every sound. It can definitely cause a temporary sensory overload when you're not prepared for it. And I rarely am. This...Gift, is not something I can turn on and off like a mental light switch. It's just an over developed part of my brain that's akin to animals. Think of how an animal reacts before a nasty storm or a massive earth quake. They can't explain it to you, but you see them reacting to it and have no idea how to help until it happens and you realize why they were acting that way in the first place. That's the best kind of example I could think of when explaining what's going through this brain-pan.
There was something eerie about reading an old diary I wrote in when I was 20-21 years old. There was an entry I found where I talked about having to come home (I wasn't living with my Dad at the time). I even stated that I had this very strong sense that Dad wouldn't make it past 73. I knew if I wasn't here, it would be too late.
I had forgotten about writing that, but that sense of knowing has always been there...waiting. Now I know why. I'd like to stall that time frame, I want to be able to keep him here for longer. The thing about sensing something, it's less of a 'This Will Happen' and more of a warning. If things don't change, it will happen sooner. I obviously won't let that happen. Even if it's driving my sanity to the edge, I am determined to get us through this. Especially since I'm not alone in this.
I have a group of wonderful souls making damned sure that I don't have to go through this on my own. Their love and support is making hope seem more like a reality rather then an impossible notion. I am grateful for their understanding...especially since I have an incredibly difficult time opening up and allowing some of the poison out. Allowing others to help me suss out the crazy in my head, is not something easily done. But I'm trying even if I feel I'm just putting my internal burdens on them and should be working this all out in my head. Apparently I don't have a choice this time...because it'll kill something inside me.
I believe it stems from always feeling alone, ever since I was 4 years old. There was a part of me, probably instinctive, that taught me that the only one I could rely on was myself. Because as I grew, I learned very quickly how flawed adults were and when they proved to me that not only how they couldn't help me, but were unwilling to... Explains allot, doesn't it? There were only a small few I could turn to, souls my age that connected with me on an unspoken level that became my siblings as we continued to grow and learn the harsh lessons of this painful existence. We made it into adult hood but honestly, I don't think I would have without them. Especially my sister, who currently resides in Seattle. I am exceedingly proud of her; the things she's accomplished, the amazing person she's become. We don't converse as much as we should, one we've both been dealing with chaotic life situations and two, I honestly suck at picking up the damned phone and calling her myself *chuckles*. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I still need to work on reaching out to people. It's not a conscious thing, I tend to go inward allot... Gotta love being half Introvert and half Extrovert. Yay for being a walking contradiction.
Damn... I've really written allot this morning. I started sometime around 9am and now it's 10:11am. I suppose it helps to get these thoughts out without feeling as though my head is being tossed around like a small fishing trolly trapped in a violent storm out at sea.
I do feel better, more myself...balanced in a sense. That calm is swirling through me, preparing me for the day I'm going to have. I just want to see this through so I can start on the next thing on my mental list.
Whoever reads this...and has seen the struggles I've been dealing with... Thank You for being on this journey with me. Thank You for your kindness and your patience. For not judging me for my crazy (I am pretty damned crazy lol).
Just know that without this outlet, without the loving souls guiding me away from the edge... I don't know where I'd be right now.
So again, Thank You.
And on that note, time to prepare for a very long and emotionally trying day.
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