However, as pleasant as this late morning has been... Something so small, blind sided me and threw me off. And I took a moment to myself (an inner step back, so-to-speak).
It's obvious that I've been dealing with a few things, mostly internally until I can get my thoughts in order and my emotions are leveled enough to speak about it without causing myself more grief. Today I was honestly feeling a little better, clearer and balanced. Until I saw something appear on my Feed on Facebook...
It was innocent enough, seeing that someone had 'Liked' a few pictures on Instagram. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of taking a moment to look (Just to clarify, it was public; for everyone to see) and it made me stop.
I understand my reaction and squashed the anger that rose the instant I realized what I was looking at.
Let's see if I can explain this in a way that's easy to understand. My 3 year long relationship ended on Friday, November 23rd. It didn't end on bad terms, quite the contrary. And yes, it was My doing, not his. I realized that due to circumstances, I didn't know where I fit in His life. We both needed time to grow in our own ways, and I had been feeling very alone and lost for quite some time. I found it best to end it in a good place, rather than continue on because it was expected of me. I need to get my life sussed out, work on my future and I want him to do the same. And yes, I'm still struggling with the emotional aftermath of my decision.
Now...a little back story; He's always been very appreciative of the female form. One, he's a guy, and Two, he's an artist. It took me a long time to be slightly okay with the fact that he actively looked at other females pictures. And it was females that I'll never physically look like unless I paid thousands of dollars for a new 'chest'. Yes, this was My insecurity. I even discussed it with him on more then a few occasions, calmly and rationally, of why it bothered me but I would never expect him to stop looking at them. I also understood where he was coming from.
Here's my weirdness... I've gone out of my way to make sure he Never felt that kind of insecurity. He knew the only men I've had a thing for was the Winchesters (Supernatural) and Riddick. He also understood it was from an artistic viewpoint, (fictional characters I enjoyed borrowing for stories) so it wasn't a big deal. But I didn't post half naked pictures of them, or gush over a hot guy whenever I saw one on the TV. I expected the same courtesy... But I've also taught myself to realize, you can't expect people to think like you. So even after I had discussed that him going overboard with comments over a female with his friends in front of me...that it was a bit too much, that he could at least wait til I wasn't in the room... It didn't really sink in. I tried my best to just accept it, accept him and quietly deal with it myself. Surely it's just my insecurity talking. I should just ignore the comments, the pictures, because it's no big deal...right?
Apparently it was a big deal... Because it really did hurt me. Again, men looking at beautiful women really isn't a big deal. It's natural. That's how they're wired. Hell, I look at beautiful women too. I appreciate Natural beauty. So I understand.
Of course there's other things that add to this, but they don't need to be addressed here for the public.
What it all comes down to, is that I saw he'd 'Liked' several pictures of the same female, who's obviously well endowed and barely wearing any clothing. Now, I know I have no place to say anything, we're not an item anymore and he can do whatever he wants. It just...hurt me on a level I'm honestly uncomfortable with. I shouldn't be reacting like this, or feeling this... Sadly I am, no matter how hard I rationalize it and think logically... Emotions do whatever the hell they want. And it honestly really fucking hurt to see that. The part of my brain that's still very wounded and has been trying to heal...after seeing that, felt as though he took a blade and gutted me with it.
*sighs* I feel as though I have no right to feel this way. I already hate myself enough, convinced myself that I am a Monster... So perhaps I deserve it. Knowing what I gave up for the better of both our lives.
I've been trying so fucking hard to keep it together, to keep myself restrained and quietly sit in the background.
But seeing that...even if it was completely innocent... The darker side of my brain snarls, "See? You weren't good enough to begin with, no wonder he's looking at Real Women. You'll NEVER look like that and that's why he kept looking at them when you were together. You could never give him what these women can. You were never good enough."
Ya... *lets out a growling sigh due to the chest pains* I have a very nasty mind... And it takes great joy in attacking me when I'm not my best.
So it just hurt me to see that... I understand the rational side, the logical side in all of this. But my emotional side...just more fuel to the fire that's burning me from the inside out.
He didn't do anything wrong, it's this fucking brain I'm stuck with. And I'm fighting it as best I can to not lose it and revert to damaging, self-destructive behaviors.
It started out as a good day, a few mishaps on top of that; Nightmares, wrong number waking me up before my alarm, the coffee pot taking a shit and setting up another one that didn't work properly until almost two hours later and a note on our apartment door stating they were shutting the water off from 10am til 5pm to work on the plumbing. I was really focusing on the Positives of today...and all it took was a fucking Instagram update on my news feed to bring my emotions up like a nest of angry hornets.
*Takes a calming, deep needed breath and lets it out slowly; feeling herself shutdown*
My Emotions are My Own. I am the only one responsible for them. No One Else. I Will Not, Place Blame on Him or Anyone for that matter, for My Reactions.
So with this blog, I've addressed My Issue, sussed out the reasons for my reaction and I'm done. Rationally, I'm fine. I'm a Big Girl. I'm going to suck it up and get over it.
And on that note, I'm going to go, post this, and keep my emotions shut off. They're just useless...a weakness. They leave me feeling vulnerable, and I can't afford that right now.
-Anon-
No comments:
Post a Comment