Venus In Furs

I sit down, my Nightmare Before Christmas Thermos full of delicious coffee goodness as I set it down to my left and open Pandora and the first song that begins playing is Lou Reed & The Velvet Underground's, 'Venus In Furs'. If you've never listened to it, I suggest you do... It's slow, rhythmic and very haunting. It brings an interesting scene to mind...

Shrouded in night, a large bonfire illuminating the darkness with eerie hues of golds and reds, casting playful shadows on the faces that ghost by. Just a large group of people enjoying the early spring night filled with laughter. A group of nomadic, gypsy like misfits enjoying their time together as the night carries on.

Basically all of us Rennies hanging out after hours at a campsite somewhere *chuckles* Pretty fitting, right?

Today looks to be interesting... It was sprung on me yesterday by the hospital that they wanted to have a small meeting today with Dad and Myself, to go over what they're trying to achieve with having him there. Apparently he's been feeling good enough to start threatening them that he's going to leave. He gave them til friday. I don't think he quite understands what that means if he does come home, which is why they want to have this little meeting in the first place.

Where he is, he's receiving palliative care. Which is a step up from simple Hospice. He's also surrounded by Docs that can adjust his medication whenever need be because of how quickly his Ammonia Levels fluctuate. *pauses for a moment as Creedence Clearwater Revival's, 'Green River' starts playing* Now, he may be feeling a bit more like himself, but they're still a little weary about sending him home so soon. They know his past history of being in the hospital for a time, seeming to be well again, and after they release him, not more than three days later he begins to spiral downward again. They want to make sure he doesn't have to come back to the hospital again after just a week of being home again.

*Chuckles as The Doors', 'Moonlight Drive' starts playing* Seriously? *chuckles shaking her head* I always get the best soundtrack for writing my blog.

The thing is, if he ends up coming home because he just won't listen and that's what he wants, then they're going to have to explain to him that he'll be receiving In-Home Hospice. That's generally Not the lesser of two evils. Not to my knowledge. They really want to get him well, or at least as well as he can be considering his Liver is no longer in service. The whole point to him being there, is to figure out what really works for him (they're also creating a sleep aid specifically for him so he doesn't have to be up all night anymore) get him in the best shape they can and then they'll have absolutely no problem with letting us bring him home. He's only been in the Retirement area for less than a week and at first he was totally happy being there. That obviously didn't last long.

So today's gunna be just, fun... *sighs softly and takes a drink of her coffee*

I love my Dad and I just hope he's coherent enough to understand what they explain to us today. That's all.

Random Video Time!

And on that note...I needs me more coffee and some waking up to do...XD

-Adieu

Coffee, Good Music and a Beautiful Day

Crisp air caresses my tired form as I fight to regain some heat back into my numb fingers after sitting outside to marvel at the beauty of another morning. The rain has finally dissipated, allowing the sun to break through the misty cloud layer, revealing a snow kissed mountain in the distance. It appears more like powdered sugar lightly dusted along it's dark surface.

As I sit here, recalling the beauty of nature... A live version of 'Hotel California' begins spilling through the speakers. Sometimes, Pandora has an eerie way of playing the right kind of music that goes along with my mood. *gives a small smile* It's honestly one of my all time favorite songs...and always causes something to ease in my chest when that haunting beat slithers through my ears.

*takes a drink of her strong coffee of doom and laughs as Deep Purple's 'Smoke On the Water' starts playing*

Considering everything going on right now, I'm feelin' relatively more like myself again. Maybe it has to do with that fact that Spring is ever nearer and that has always given me a charge. Also, knowing that Dad is in a better state (despite his rough moments) and is SAFE really takes a weight off of me. The only thing that jabbed me a alittle was yesterday, when he called around 1pm and proceeded to use me as his verbal punching bag for his frustrations. When he's like that, I know it has more to do with his ammonia levels fluctuating. I got off the phone feeling as though I had disturbed a nest of vipers somewhere deep within my stomach and they were none-too happy about being jostled awake.

*gives a slight shrug and lets out a soft sigh*

He's going to have his ups and downs, and I just have to remember he's never going to be quite the same again. He's become more or less crotchety and has moments where he's real mean...and uses me as his personal sounding board. I just have to suck it up, keep quiet and let it pass because honestly, there isn't much I can do or say to make it better.

*grows a lopsided smile as The Doors 'Soul Kitchen' begins playing*

Pandora definitely has a knack for playing the best kind of music when I'm writing.

*takes another drink of her coffee* 

In other random news of doom... I've found my camera and have been snapping way too many pictures again. Oh and as I write this, Gir just flew up and ninja-hugged me...so he's now on the back of my chair, hugged me and just leapt over to the bed before he lost his balance... Oi XD

Anyhoo, yes...pictures'n'junk. I've also been taking several snap shots of these cute lil ladybugs that have been showing up on our little bench on the front porch. One is bright yellow orange, another is more tangerine and the smallest is red. No idea why they've started using my front porch as their sanctuary, but I don't mind *smiles* It's nice to have company when I'm out there by myself, even if they act more decorations than little creatures.

*laughs as AC/DC's 'You Shook Me All Night Long' starts playing*

Well, seems the hamster in my brain has decided to fling itself off the wheel again and is now twitching on the floor... So I'm going to scamper off, finish my coffee and go run some errands. I honestly look forward to getting out of the house for a bit...especially on such a beautiful day ^_^

-Adieu

Rain, Coffee and Squirrels... Jedi Squirrels

A gentle pattering dances along the frame of the house, echoing softly along the cool, moist breeze as it whispers past the open window. It's a lovely day with gloomy ocean-gray skies, reminding me of those foggy mornings in my home by the sea. A place I secretly mourn for, desperate to return to my Lady Blue. It hurts too deeply if I allow myself pause to let it sink in.

It's not that I detest this new place I've found myself in. It has it's own beauty, it's own energy. It's not the desert that I grew up in... It's more green, more temperate. The energy here is peaceful and shows in the people I meet. 

*grows a small smile and takes a hefty drink of her coffee*

Update! Dad is actually doing better. Even though his liver is pretty much flipping everyone the bird, being at the hospital and having such an amazing staff taking care of him, when I talk to him on the phone now... He's Dad. Shit you not, it's my Hero. And he seems really relaxed and groovy about being there. He'd love to come home, but he's also cool with whatever they decide and either way, he'd just love it if I came and visited with him. Since there's a storm right now and possibly tomorrow, I won't be able to drive Ellie out there until at least Sunday. But it's definitely good news to know they somehow brought my Dad out of the mental fog he was lost in. Whatever they're doing, and with his strong constitution...it's working.

And it really takes a weight off my heart.

*smiles brightly and takes another drink of her coffee*

I can't get over how beautiful it is today. Seriously, I love the rain. There's something so peaceful about it as it streams down in waves only to soak the parched ground. Bringing life back into the sleeping earth. Nothing is more calming than the sound of rain pattering gently outside. It reminds me of Home.

Oh, remember how I had written about 'Lynn Shepherd', the Mystery/Fiction Novelist that wrote that pathetic blog about J.K. Rowling? Ya, I tried to read more of that excerpt of hers from one of her books... I tried, I really did. But honestly, there was just no spark. Nothing to keep me emotionally involved or interested in the story. How very sad...

*smirks* Well, sucks to be her. If she's writing, she should do so because she loves to...not because she wants the acclaim of her more well known (and well Liked) fellow writers. People like her, don't deserve it. Let me put it this way, I'd rather read Twilight or 50 Shades of Grey. Why? Because there was a Spark. That's definitely saying something.

Commercial Break Time!!

*chuckles* Anyhoo, I'm going to wander off and enjoy the rain and finish this here coffee O'doom. Hope everyone's doin' well and shtuff...or sumfin? O.o

*grins*

-Adieu

Coffee Makes Brain Happy

There's a chill around me, tickling and playful as I struggle with my tired form to begin it's morning movement.  A groan traps itself in the back of my throat as I open my eyes, still heavy from sleep and realize there's something warm, fuzzy and soft curled up against me. Curled up on my right, I bring my head up enough to look down my body and see two sea colored jewels peer back at me through slits. A soft rumbling emits from his chest and I can't help the smile pulling at the edges of my mouth. With a careful hand I gently pet his head, initiating an even louder rumble as he purrs in response to the affection. With a chuckle, I sit up and scoop him up gently, only to roll over and set him next to me on the other side of the bed so I don't throw him off as I sit up. Another sound catches my attention, a squeaky meow just behind my head, near my pillows. I glance over and there's the older Tabby, face a portrait of sleep as he stares at me, wondering why I've gotten up without petting him. With a sigh, I reach back and gently pat him on the head, earning a squeak in reply and finally get to my feet.

And this is my morning. Waking up to find Gir curled up near my stomach and Pez curled up by my head. Some mornings they switch spots, or both are at my head, taking over my pillows. You can't stay depressed long with such blatant fuzzy cuteness to wake up to every morning. In a way, they're one of the reasons I find the strength to keep going. Unconditional love from my tiny predators. Their cuteness is seriously stupid. 

See this? It's THIS Level of Cuteness!

*chuckles and takes a hefty drink of her coffee*

Yesterday I mentioned I would do some research and see what that Lynn Shepherd's writing was like. Honestly? I don't have an opinion...yet. I bookmarked an excerpt from one of her books and I can at least share what I found Here. 

It's the kind of narrative that's more Script-like. I've never really been fond of that style personally, unless it were just an outline. But to each their own. It doesn't seem all that horrible, but I haven't been able to read the entire excerpt yet.

*pauses long enough to read a page or more*

Alright, I'm going to be honest. Not all that impressed. Her style is very Flat and very Mechanical. She's describing things in a manner that is empty and makes me wonder why she writes about it in the first place if there's no emotion behind it. She's trying to paint you a portrait of something, trying to pull you in but I find it dull and lifeless. Like I said, Not impressed. I'll read the rest when I'm not finishing my blog and I'll give you a full review. 

I'm not being cruel because she's a bitch, I honestly enjoy reading other's work and in a way, I was truly curious if she had talent. She's got the basics down, which is a talent unto itself... But where's that special mojo? That spark that dances within the words and mesmerizes you... Maybe I need to keep reading and I'll find that it's merely hiding somewhere within the lines she's written. At least...I hope so, for her sake.

*chuckles and shakes her head*

I'm not trying to trash this woman, that's not my style. I just... Okay let me put it in a way that'll make sense. I've only seen the first 3 of the Potter movies and have yet to read the work itself. With only that much information under my belt, if I were Lynn, I wouldn't even Fathom writing anything against Rowling unless I had done my homework. Unless you're educated in a particular topic people are debating, keep your damned mouth. Seriously, it really tans my hide when people 'pretend' to be intelligent in an argument because 'they read it on wikipedia' or saw something briefly on the news, etc. It only makes me see red when they try to Correct someone who actually Knows what they are talking about because they refuse to be in the wrong. I've had that happen to me many times (people have made the mistake of undermining/underestimating my intelligence or all the damned facts I have swimming around in my brain). In debates, if I'm wrong, I'm fine with that and look forward to re-educating myself on said topic. I'm a stickler for learning. It's fun as hell for me, especially if I'm interested in the subject I'm researching.

Anyhoo... *lets out a soft laugh* I guess the coffee's kicking in... *smirks*

I just don't understand that kind of blatant bitterness toward someone for no real reason than the simple fact that they're doing incredibly well writing Young Adult and Oh No, they've brought Adults into the genre and are incredibly popular compared to your Adult Only, Mystery whatever style.

Get the Fuck Over It. Seriously... Bad sport, much? 

And it's not like she's doing poorly, if you go to her Site, she's gotten all these good reviews... Oh, I get it now. She's only Published 3 crime/mystery novels. That's it.

*sighs and shakes her head*

I almost don't want to read her work because as a person, she's mean spirited and that's not an attractive trait. It'll linger in the back of my thoughts as I read each line. Which is a shame because it ruins the purity of the work. If she thought this would be a blog more for shock value to get more readers... She really went about it the wrong way. What's the term... Any Press is Good Press? Yeah, I don't know if she was gunnin' for that, but she kinda screwed herself in the process. Ah well, sucks to be her.

Commercial Break Time!!

And on that note, I needs to gets me s'more coffee goodness and maybe... I'll finish that excerpt. Maybe...

-Adieu

Bitterness Is An Ugly Shade

The thoughts drift against a cool morning breeze as I struggle to find myself within an internal fog of secrets. Though I can barely see an inch in front of my face; vision consumed in that glowing mist as it swirls playfully along my still form... There's a clarity here within the gray. Soul-whispers that course through me, filling me with hidden knowledge only in dreams can I decipher.

There's a part of me standing within the darkness of indecision. Quiet and still, she raises her hand toward the heavens, wondering if there's something out there...waiting to bring her home.

My loss is in the knowing that soon a kindred will be rising toward the arms of the Great Spirit and nothing I've done, nothing I'll do...will stop this passage. The fight has gone on long enough and now we are nothing more than slaves to the universe. When it calls you back, there's nothing that can stop it. We are all made of stardust...and for every light, comes a time when the stars call us home.

I just wish it wasn't so soon...

*sighs and takes a drink of her second cup of coffee*

There's been allot weighing on my mind as of late, and despite the situation I'm faced with, there are other thoughts trickling through me that I figured would make for good reading (if written properly of course lol). Speaking of writing, I'd like to touch on that article I found about a certain woman who calls herself an 'Author' (Lynn Shepherd) who wrote; "If JK Rowling Cares About Writing, She Should Stop Doing It"

I literally had to read it twice to see if it were a farce. But no, she's being serious and what blows my mind is the second paragraph;

I didn't much mind Rowling when she was Pottering about. I've never read a word (or seen a minute) so I can't comment on whether the books were good, bad or indifferent. I did think it a shame that adults were reading them (rather than just reading them to their children, which is another thing altogether), mainly because there's so many other books out there that are surely more stimulating for grown-up minds. But, then again, any reading is better than no reading, right? But The Casual Vacancy changed all that.

Wait, what? You'd think someone who's blatantly attacking someone for their work would, I don't know, have taken the time to do the research so they could form an Honest opinion. Not only does she have no valid opinion other than her obvious bitterness toward a fellow author, but she proceeds to go after those who enjoy the work even if it's Young Adult. As if she looks down her nose at it and those who read it who aren't 'Children'. 

That right there is... As Hook would say, "Bad Form." 

I literally felt the individual discs in my spine tense with every line I read. By the time I'd finished, I was ready to put a hole through a wall with my fist. Especially when I got to this last part;

By all means keep writing for kids, or for your personal pleasure - I would never deny anyone that - but when it comes to the adult market you've had your turn. Enjoy your vast fortune and the good you're doing with it, luxuriate in the love of your legions of fans, and good luck to you on both counts. But it's time to give other writers, and other writing, room to breathe.

The term 'Slap a Bitch' would be adequate for the level of hostility she managed to stir up inside of me. 

I've been writing since I was 8 years old, that's over 22 years of experience along with being an avid reader and fan of Fellow writers. The majority of us are Supportive of Each other. I am Proud of friends who are doing well in their work. I'm elated when they're not only published, but getting the recognition I know they deserve. There's no bitterness or jealousy towards them just because they're doing better than I am. This 'Lynn Shepherd' is nothing more than a bitter child throwing a shit-fit that she's not getting the attention she wants. I have no idea whether her work is good or not, (which I'm going to change very shortly when I do some research and then I'll let you know my thoughts... Which is the Right Thing To Do.)

*growls* The sheer audacity of this woman... This creature who deems herself a 'Novelist and Copywriter'... I want to purchase a Hard Copy of one of her 'Books' just so I can wind up like Babe Ruth, thus cracking her in the head with her own work in an attempt to knock some sense into her.

*clears her throat and gives an innocent grin*

'Ahem', anyhoo...

I'm going to do some research, like I said I would...then I shall return and tear her apart...err, I'll 'critique' her in the appropriate fashion. Should be fun...

*grins evilly*

On that not muh lovelies, I shall bid thee anon... Wish me luck ;)

-Adieu

Twisting Emotions Settle in the Silence

Cool breeze and warm sunlight, it's turning out to be a beautiful day... I even woke feeling a bit more like myself, despite the situation unfolding in my life.

I spoke to Dad briefly yesterday and though he was incredibly chipper, he was...not all there. I've never heard him like that unless he were half asleep. He wasn't. He was wide awake and talking about being on an Airplane and trying to get the people off of it...and something about a cockpit. For split second though, I did Hear my Dad again. I mentioned that my Big Brother had fixed the throttle on Ellie enough that it doesn't stick like it used to and he replied, "Outstanding!" And I swear it was Dad... So I continued about the headlights, thinking I'd snapped him out of it for a moment... But his response told me otherwise. 

I had the briefest glimpse of my Dad in that entire conversation... Telling me that he's barely there.

The nurse sitting with him was a complete sweetheart and I could hear the sadness in her tone toward me. The empathy was very apparent and I knew she felt for me. Good thing was that he's been nothing but happy and sweet to everyone... Just...not really all there anymore.

With each week that passes, I lose more and more of my Father. It's only a matter of time at this point. I know how dark this may seem, but I'm being realistic. I'm not saying it's going to happen at any moment... But I'm preparing myself for when it does. My instincts are whispering a time frame, which I really don't want to repeat at the moment. Let's just say the end of Spring is going to be bittersweet if things don't improve. Trust me, I'm all kinds of twisted up inside but losing my shit right now will not change anything. I need to keep my head straight through all of this and only after he's gone and I feel safe... I'll break. Until then, things need to be done and I gotta take it a day at a time, like I've always done.

With the severity of his mental state, I don't think he'll just be sent home like all the other times before. He has someone with him 24/7 right now, so I'm sure the Docs know it wouldn't be safe to just send him home for me to pick up their slack. It was hard enough Before, it would be damn near impossible now. Well, I could do it, but I'd lose my mind in a few days.

*sighs and takes a hefty drink of her coffee*

I think what would be best, is to finish my coffee and run a few errands. I always feel a bit better after I've gotten out of the house for a bit. Because I have no idea what tomorrow is going to be like.

-Anon-

Waffles Are Magical'n'Junk

Cool air trickles through the crack in the open window, pressing gently against the blinds so it can dance, unseen, around my tired form. Like chilly fingertips I feel it trail lightly along the exposed flesh of my arms, neck and face. It's almost soothing as I fight off the lingering tendrils of sleep still clinging to me like a frightened baby Octopus.

It's a beautiful day... Clear crisp blue skies, honey colored sunlight breathing warmth against the chilly earth as a cold breeze plays invisible tag with everything it touches. I can sense the coming of Spring, so close yet still so far away. It's almost like a whisper, ever so faint but you know you can hear it. Though everything within my shadowed being yearns for its presence, a part of myself remains incredibly still; guarded against too much excitement for the future. For I sense it will be bittersweet.

As you may recall, my Dad finally went from the hospital to the rehabilitation center. He was on a new medication specifically designed for the Hepatic Encephalopathy (High Ammonia Levels in the brain acting like Dementia), he was stronger than he had been the first time he was there... I honestly had hoped he would bounce back, even if it was just a little.

Yesterday the Rehab center sent Dad to VA Loma Linda's ER because even They were having a hard time with him.

The doctors are confused as to Why he remains confused even when they've dropped his Ammonia Levels down to normal. So this time, they're running an array of tests to truly find out what the hell is going on. A CT scan was scheduled for last night as soon as he was admitted, they've also (Finally) got their Liver Specialists involved and they are going to find out what is really causing this. Honestly, I think it would be absolutely Fantastic if were nothing more than a simple bladder infection (they can cause all kinds of crazy in elderly patients). But I fear that may not be the case... They have mentioned Hospice more than a few times, which generally means the patient has 6 months or less...and considering his condition and the severity of his confusion on top of the frequency in which it keeps occurring... 

Like I've said, Spring will be bittersweet.

*takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly before taking a hefty drink of her coffee*

We'll take it one day at a time and do the best we can with the cards we're dealt. Why fight the tide when you can roll with it?

*gives a small smile, but the humor doesn't reach her eyes*

Another update is my brother being able to assess Eleanore's physical condition. Despite the fact that she's about as broken as I am, she's running better than she has in quite some time. Both my Big Brother and Grandpa Mike helped ease her discomfort by bringing her idle back down to normal. The throttle was worked on enough that it barely sticks like it did (so much easier to cruise now ^_^) and my brother is awesome for Macgyver-ing the headlights back up so they actually land on the Road ahead and not Beneath her huge front end. But I've learned that I've gotta be careful goin' on the freeway from now on because when she gets to a certain speed, she feels like she's going to fall apart. Also, the Carb that they 'fixed' and just replaced because there was a crack in the original... It's not big enough. So a few things here and there need to be brought up to speed, which in parts alone aren't generally too bad except for a select few which will be pricey... I am grateful for my Brother and Grandpa Mike's help.

Now...Enjoy some Waffle Goodness!!

*smirks* And on that note, I'm going to have me s'more coffee and keep my spirits up. Yay for distractions O'Doom ^_^

-Adieu