Coffee and the Ability to Think Clearly

 Yes...This is Me, Right Now...Mmm Coffee... O.o lol

Weird dreams again... There was struggle, there was searching... There was hiding away and protecting someone... There was passion and need; feeling safe...loved. Then there was panic, there was waiting... Things were going to happen... And there was so much blood. There was a switch, and the ending seemed to change, we were being rescued...

Then the typical brain fart, where the dream is releasing toxins from the mind... I was suddenly at my mother's house, she came home, but it physically wasn't my mother. As soon as she walked in, everything changed. So much negativity... I turned my back on her and began walking away... That's when I woke up.

Too tired to really analyze what I dreamt; seein' as I only slept 4 hours in total. Now, desperate to be conscious, I drink my coffee...thinking about the mind-screw of yesterday. Thinking about my emotional break toward the end of the night... Disappointed in myself for allowing myself to share it.

I don't like worrying people. I know I should express my emotions, especially in the state I was in last night. And yes, it did help to get it out. It helped calm me down, knowing I'd released it and I didn't have to hold it in anymore. But the one thing I didn't like, was concerning others. This isn't a Pride thing, I've always been like this. Heh, ask my Sister Krys, she'll tell you *chuckles*

I keep most of my worries and pain in, away from those I love... Because 1, I don't want you worrying. And 2, I realize how many wonderful people are in my life and willing to reach out to me to talk. And I am incredibly humbled, and grateful to be so blessed... But I don't know how to handle it. Seriously, I become embarrassed, and slightly overwhelmed by your warmth... 

I'm trying to understand why I react so strangely to loved ones reaching out to me, letting me know I'm not alone...

I think some of it stems from several different factors. Having to deal with my own pain growing up, silently deciding I didn't want others to worry so I dealt with it myself. Ever since I was 7 years old. And later when I started getting violently bullied in the 4th grade... I decided Not to tell my mother, who was a single parent, going to school to be a nurse so she could support my older brother and myself. Unfortunately, we lived with my Deda and his wife Olga; my Step Grandmother. 

Hmm... Let me go back further, 6 years old my Mother takes me and my brother with her to the desert. We move in with my Deda and Olga... And that's when I began to learn my 'Worth' as a human being. Everything seemed great at first... Of course I didn't know any better at the time, not until after my 7th birthday. Olga took it on herself to 'Teach Me' what I wasn't learning in school yet (And My Mother wasn't there, she trusted the woman to watch over me). At 7 years old, I was forced to learn how to Multiply and Divide at an Epic scale, even though we weren't required to learn Math like that until the 3rd grade. I also learned that if I was wrong in my answer, that I would be Beaten with a Wooden spoon until I could barely sit so 'My Brain would go back into my head'. Gawd... I remember that day so clearly... 

She asked me what 4 times 4 was...and I was so excited, because I loved learning, I Thought it was 18. She asked me one more time what the answer was and so I repeated, 18. I remember I was happy, smiling, thought she would be proud of me...

The next thing I know she grabbed my upper arm, hard enough to bruise, jerked me out of my chair, dragged me into the kitchen, grabbed the biggest, nastiest wooden spoon and literally started Beating Me on the ass with it. I was in shock. The person whom I looked up to for love and protection, was attacking me and I couldn't defend myself. I had no idea what I had done wrong... And with the last crack of the spoon, she growled at me to do the problem again, and maybe I'd get it this time because she had to beat my brain back into my head. She forced me to sit down on my incredibly sore bottom, tears streaming down my face and onto my paper, trembling and hyperventilating that she was going to beat me again... When I did the problem, and saw I was Wrong. The Answer was 16. I was off by 2...

And this was only the beginning. Not only was I abused by this woman, bullied constantly by her 'old ways' and verbally cut down every chance she got, I had no one to protect me. When I was in the second grade, I was known in school as the little Girl with long hair that Beat up the Bullies. I'd see them picking on someone and would literally Head Butt them to the ground. I'm not kidding, I'd kick the dirt under my feet, lower my head and charge them. I was literally acting like a little Bull *chuckles*

Somehow, she'd overhead me talking about how we'd all chase each other at Recess. That I would chase the boys for chasing the girls. It was totally innocent, we were all a bunch of goofballs. I don't know what this Woman (Olga) was thinking, but the rare time my Father was able to drive the two hours to come and visit for the weekend, she'd told him this elaborate story about a boy who lived down the street, came to our house with his father in Tears, that I been chasing him and beating on him at school. (All of which was made up) My Father thought this was true (Why would she lie about something like that?) and I remember him being disappointed in me... That was her way of 'Teaching Me' I should act like a Lady and that's what I get for chasing boys...

As the years passed, the abuse continued... And when I was forced to switch elementary schools because my Mom finally found an Apartment a little ways across town, starting 4th grade was a fucking nightmare. The first day I went, I was targeted for my weight, my gender and my race. I remember being pushed face down into the gravel, spit on, and had rocks thrown at me by three little Hispanic boys. I was just trying to make friends and was met with violence. I was Unwanted and they made it painfully aware that I knew it.

This went on, everyday, and because of my negative connection with Math, I had a mental block when I tried to do it. I felt like I was too stupid to know what I was doing and was terrified to ask for help; I didn't want to get yelled at and beaten again for it. I figured if my so called 'Baba Olga' could do that to me, No Adult was to be trusted. Period. And it didn't help that the bullying wasn't just at Recess, it was in the classroom too. At 10 years old...I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted it to end.

Things turned around when I got pissed off one day at Recess at the end of 4th grade. One little boy yelled out like normal, "Hey Fat-Ass! You gunna sit on me?" Something inside me...snapped.

I grit my teeth, turned, tiny hands bawled into white-knuckled fists and let out a bellowing roar, "Ya, I am!" And charged after him. His eyes went wide and those three bullies Scattered like rats on a sinking ship. 

They learned very quickly, that it was a Very bad idea to Piss Me Off.

The other thing that helped turn this around, was the Talent show. The 1st time I could sing in front of anyone other then my Mom. I had sang in the past, to my so-called 'family' but Olga told me singing wasn't going to help me do anything. She always made it seem as though I wasn't good at it, and that it wasn't realistic. Telling me that even if I sang, there were better singers and I'd never be anything. That I should focus on learning how to be a proper lady, and not be so fat, so I could be a Good Wife someday. 

Ya...fucked up, I know.

But when I did the Talent show... Kids changed toward me. For the very first time, I was accepted... I had something they didn't, and I was actually praised for it. I finally had something special about me... I had Worth.

It did get better after that. By 5th grade, the bullies were easier to deal with because they started to soften toward me (All except for one short, chubby boy named, Valentino; who just hated me for some reason) and I had friends.

The abuse from Olga didn't stop... At one point, again I remember this so clearly... She had come over to the apartment, and yes, we were cluttered and a little messy (It wasn't that bad actually, well, not yet) and she'd come over to bring something... And I remember her standing on the porch, my Mom nowhere in ear shot (Olga had waited to have me Alone) and literally told me, "I met your neighbor and I didn't want to tell you this, but she had to tell me that she was concerned. She said she saw your home and it's so messy, it's disgusting, and she said You were, what's the term...yes, she told me You are like White Trash. I didn't want to tell your mother, it would break her heart." 

Yes, this Woman Said This To Me. 

Oh and Yes; She Completely Made That Up.

She didn't like that we were a little messy, she didn't really like me, so she thought she was 'Teaching' me another 'lesson'. Heh...fucked up, huh?

I didn't tell my Mom. She made me promise Not To. She told me that Lie, to make me feel like it was all My Fault. Why? To her, my big Brother could do No Wrong. I literally was Worthless in her eyes.

Wow... I can't believe I still remember all of that...and trust me, there's soo much more, but I'm not in the mood to tell you my life story. I think that was enough 'Debbie Downer' time for one blog...*smirks*

So, I guess I'm a little screwed up. I don't deal with things like most because I never have. So if I get a little weird, just know that I'm okay. I'll be a little better about NOT spewing my emotional brainfarts all over the place, because the last thing I want is to really worry anyone I care about. You guys mean the world to me, and you have your own shit to deal with. I don't want to add to it, ya know?

*Huggles her Angels tight*

And honestly, writing about it here, in a calm, narrative state... Kinda helps. And, it won't embarrass me or freak anyone out. Nice, calm and detached. Makes things easier to digest, especially when it's not the most pleasant thing to read about someone.

Well my luvlies, I'm going to get another cup of coffee and find some mindlessly silly cartoons to distract myself with.

And know, I cherish all of you very, Very much. Thank you for being the reason for me to look forward; for being my light in the dark.

 Turtle Huggles!!

*Smiles*

-Adieu-