Coffee Inspired Musings

Emotions take on the sting of a Blade as it cuts deeper with every breath I struggle to take. There's a desperation inside, a silent wail for salvation from this travesty I'm drowning in.

But the blame resides within the crimson that streams from the wounds of my decisions.

You'd think it would be healing, taking the next step toward a hopeful unknown...

Leaving bloody footprints in my wake as I drag myself away from the Light...

Back to the comfort of that all encompassing black... Hollow me out, tear these unwanted emotions from my chest...

...Let me be stone...

I'm seeking that shimmering blue-fire to guide me away...

Dearest Kindred, guardian of me dreams, if you can hear me...

Riddick, please... Take me home.

*  *  *  *

I wrote that November 30th as I struggled with the conflict that continues to rage within. I also find it so interesting, that it takes painful emotions to get me writing again. And not just any writing, but my most honest, heartfelt and generally the most painful. The kind of writing that digs deep into all who read it and begs to be felt, to be understood.

You write the best, when you write what you know. I suppose in my case, I write the best when I write what I Feel. Sure, it's mostly cryptic... Using animals or beastly creatures in a twisted setting. But for those that really know me, can see and understand the truth behind the descriptive prose.

*takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly*

Day by day, I find myself struggling. But like most who are faced with unfortunate events that leave them feeling wounded, I try to continue forward in silent contemplation. And quite recently, I've realized something about myself. Though, I've had this realization before, I always made an excuse for it in some fashion. This time I make no excuse. I simply and humbly, accept it.

I tend to go inward, into the silence of my mind, a darkened landscape encased in living shadows. They know me there and welcome me without words. They know I'm seeking sanctuary from all the light and the noise... That within this pitch black void...I'm seeking peace. I appear to shut off to the outside world, but in truth, I'm more aware than normal. Every sense is heightened and I feel as though I'm drowning within a sea of overwhelming white noise.

So I retreat, becoming the quiet shadow in a crowded room... Watching in silence as the world bustles on and in that moment, I'm content. I don't withdraw because I can't handle curious eyes or concerned hearts. I pull back because it allows me to heal, in my own way. And as each day passes, I'm able to understand myself a little better, my head becomes clearer and I'm able to verbalize my inner conflict to a selected few.

I used to think that shutting off was bad, because that's what others have told me. But honestly, it's my own personal way of dealing with hardship. I'm not pushing anyone away. This is just who I am. This is how I deal with myself. I understand it's not healthy to keep everything bottled inside, and I don't. Again, there are a Very Select Few Souls I can talk to. And it's only in glimpses due to still trying to work through things in my head.

Perhaps this is why I identify with Riddick so much. Why I find a kind of peace whenever I write his character. There are many similarities between us that essentially, he's become the True muse of my darkest emotions. His silence, his complexity...has allowed me to safely and creatively, vent the darker parts of me. Through his predatory gaze, I'm able to release the angst...that snarling anger that claws at its metaphorical cage. Through his otherworldly strength, his animalistic ferocity... I don't feel as powerless. He allows me to release the darkness in me, through him. It may sound strange, but he's the healthiest outlet for someone who doesn't vent like most.

*smirks and shakes her head*

Nothin' like a good cup of coffee, good music and a need to transform thoughts into words.

I think I'll stop here, for now... And mayhaps I'll find more musings later on to entertain you with.

-Adieu