For What It's Worth

Music swells gently through the speakers as classic rock dances through my senses. It's a beautiful February day...warmer today than it has been in awhile. Peaceful, lovely...yet so very bittersweet.

Since yesterday my heart has grown ever the more heavy at the thought of it being a whole year...since Lory lifted toward the higher plane. Also reminding me of where I was, the childhood home that I shared with my Father who at the time, was showing signs of the condition he's now in. So much has happened in a year... And letting it all sink in, bringing it back up from the depths of my memory warehouse...

The soul lets out a mournful howl as hidden pain begins to surge to the surface.

I've been trying so very hard to keep myself level, especially with everything I've been dealing with as of late. But it was almost as though a gentle voice only my soul can hear had whispered, so sweetly, "It's Okay honey...you're allowed to Feel."

*takes a shuddering breath but shows no emotion on her intense features*

I was thinking of different ways I could write out the emotions swirling through me but there is just so much bubbling up from within...that I'm numb by it. Heh, Numb with Feeling...talk about an oxymoron.

*smirks but the humor doesn't touch her eyes*

It's strange sitting here and typing these thoughts out. I don't completely feel like myself. I'm strangely calm, not so much empty, but incredibly aware. I feel a strength with me that's not my own. Dare I say it, but it feels like the Muse turned Guardian sitting with me. Frightening orbs slicing through the darkness of my mind, bringing a silent comfort to me as I try to untangle myself from within the spiderweb of emotions.

I think I need to be still... Even from myself.

Not gunna lie, feeling this strong male presence with me (whether or not it's simply a creation of my psyche as a coping mechanism is not the subject of this blog. If it's real to me and keeps me going, my own brand of Angel, than that's all it needs to be. Though I doubt Big Bad would agree on simply being a figment of my imagination...:P) it brings me Peace. He brings me warmth in his silence. I can't explain it any more than that.

Heh, I'm crazy alright...but at least it makes for interesting stories ;)

And on that note... I'm going to enjoy my classic rock, grab another cup of joe and keep myself still. Because right now, it's exactly what I need.

-Onyx-