The rumble of engines whispers through my thoughts as cars drive along the hot pavement; waves of heat lifting into the air as the temperature reads 91 degrees Fahrenheit. It's reasonably comfortable here on the shaded porch, allowing me to seek sanctuary outdoors. Common folk would find me rather odd to sit in such high temperatures when there is a working air conditioner just within the apartment. Though tempting, I find it more comforting to be outside. And as I type this on the small screen of my phone, a cool breeze has begun to dance around me. Yet another comfort to keep me exactly where I am.
It's strange to think that I had a numbness residing just inside my thoughts this past week and wasn't entirely sure why. I was aware that it possibly had to do with Father's Day because every time I actively thought of it, my mind abruptly switched to something else. As though it were simply protecting me from the onslaught of emotions that would barrel through me when the day finally arrived. In fact, this morning I was perfectly content. I even decided to change my profile picture on Facebook due to entertaining myself last night with makeup and a camera. I thought I was okay. Up until I made the conscious decision to post a picture of my 7th birthday...
That's when the gates cracked and emotion began to stream silently down my face. It was painfully apparent I needed to withdraw from social media and try to regain my bearings. The more I fought it, the larger the cracks became and the next thing I know, while I was making my third and last cup of coffee, I froze. Everything inside went terribly still, much like the quiet before the storm. Before I could reach for the spoon to mix my coffee, I was suddenly holding onto the counter for dear life as horrific sobs tore through me. I was overtaken by grief, cowering under the weight of my tears as I struggled to breathe. Even when I thought I had found my way back, defiantly wiping at my face as I finished making my coffee to my liking... I rinsed the spoon and went to set it down when the deafening sound of blood rushing through my veins pulsed within my eardrums and not only did I clench my jaws to stop myself from wailing as the tears spilled from my eyes, every ounce of strength was suddenly drained from my body and I collapsed in a trembling heap against the kitchen floor. I had succumb to the pain that was tearing through my heart and mind like an enraged bear dismembering unskilled hunters trespassing in it's cave.
That's when the gates cracked and emotion began to stream silently down my face. It was painfully apparent I needed to withdraw from social media and try to regain my bearings. The more I fought it, the larger the cracks became and the next thing I know, while I was making my third and last cup of coffee, I froze. Everything inside went terribly still, much like the quiet before the storm. Before I could reach for the spoon to mix my coffee, I was suddenly holding onto the counter for dear life as horrific sobs tore through me. I was overtaken by grief, cowering under the weight of my tears as I struggled to breathe. Even when I thought I had found my way back, defiantly wiping at my face as I finished making my coffee to my liking... I rinsed the spoon and went to set it down when the deafening sound of blood rushing through my veins pulsed within my eardrums and not only did I clench my jaws to stop myself from wailing as the tears spilled from my eyes, every ounce of strength was suddenly drained from my body and I collapsed in a trembling heap against the kitchen floor. I had succumb to the pain that was tearing through my heart and mind like an enraged bear dismembering unskilled hunters trespassing in it's cave.
I sobbed and growled under my breath, hating what this was doing to me. Feeling so very small and needing so desperately to find any sense of control. My internal battle of needing to cry and programmed not to. A self taught mechanism to go numb and silent if the feeling ever threatened to show itself. To weep, to allow those salty trails of unabashed emotion to flow is terrifying. Yet when I am alone, that feeling of being cut open and exposed is at the furthest reaches of my mind and that's when it finds me, takes hold of me and rips me apart.
After what felt like an eternity; time having stretched and warped like a Salvador Dali painting, the white noise rushing through my ears subsided and I was able to take a calming breath. It is there in that quiet moment, that I was able to get back on my feet and feel more like myself. The sorrow had began to dissipate, slithering back into the darkness within the catacombs of my mind where it will lie in wait; silent and patient for another opportunity to attack.
For the moment, I am calm. I can still feel it coiled inside my chest, but it appears to have been sated for the time being.
As I sit out on the porch, the temperature slowly rising, I'm comforted once more by the cool breeze dancing playfully around my body. Whispering reassurances only my soul can hear.
A small smile pulls at the valley of my full lips but doesn't reach my eyes; swollen and heavy from what I just experienced not that long ago. There are things to be done and water to be consumed. I will try, to the best of my ability, to remain in this calm state I'm now in. I think t'would be best, to catch up on the Alien Isolation gameplay I had meant to finish watching last night but found sleep to be more beneficial.
So on that note, I shall proceed back into the cool, darkness of the apartment and watch Markiplier descend into the awe-inspiring horror of my childhood favorite franchise.
-Adieu
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