Exhaustion coils through me, swirling through the veins, tangling the thoughts that dance like wayward fireflies within the abyss of my mind. Struggling to regain my foothold, dragging myself back up from a small fall in my journey... Feeling slightly lost and worn down.
Being in Illinois for two weeks helped ease the chaos inside. But I'm afraid I've come right back into the fire. This has worn down on me physically and psychologically. Emotionally I'm at a breaking point. I'm afraid I've already started to snap.
But I've got a knack for channeling chaotic energy into something positive. Instead of ending up in a self-hugging jacket holed up in a plushy padded room mumbling Happy Noodle Boy quotes to the imaginary floating potatoes keeping me company (entertaining, no?) my brain does this interesting defensive maneuver.
I can almost feel the surge of heat dancing through my veins, the rapid beating of my heart, the low growl slowly rising from deep within my chest. My senses become sharpened, my shoulders tense and my spine stiffens. Every muscle is poised into attack mode, small tendrils of adrenaline coursing through me, an awakening of something dormant.
It's been a gradual process these last several months. Not of its creation, for it has been with me since my very beginning. This has been its slow ascent from the depths. Rising with every ragged breath I take, carefully filling the broken pieces of my psyche before I shatter, keeping me whole.
I'm not afraid of this primitive rage inside of me because I know its purpose is not to destroy. Its presence heralds a new beginning. We are no longer at odds but working as a single unit to achieve what could be perceived as the impossible. I am becoming at one with myself even if that darkness used to frighten me. That swirling mass of starless night is not set on consuming me. It is my shield, my comfort. Giving me the strength to carry on.
*smirks and takes a drink of her strong cup of coffee* Gotta love poetic prose in the morning.
In short, it's been incredibly rough these past few years and even more so just in the last 10 months. But there has also been amazing blessings, almost miraculous in their appearance in my life. The Good and the Bad, or in my case... Struggling with the Negatives when something Positive happens and seems to help ease the burden for awhile. Helping me to stay focused on the future; a hard lesson from the Universe that it's time to Wake Up.
I'm definitely awake...and feel a change within, a familiar energy that's only graced me in small doses. A promise of the person I'll finally become.
I have this drive you wouldn't believe. Hell, I barely believe it. I went from floating aimlessly through life (the perpetual leaf at the mercy of the wind), to being thrown into a whirlwind where I had to Fight to find my footing again. I'm not drifting anymore. My feet are firmly planted on Terra Firma and I can feel my strength coming back to me. Not just emotionally, but physically as well. I'm healthier than I've been in years, having made a point to not only eat better, but to push myself while working out, finding that I'm actually getting back into shape again. I gain muscle mass very easily so I have to be careful not to bulk up without leaning down first. And the plus side is that I don't lose the muscle I've gained back if I start focusing on tightening my frame, focusing on ridding myself of unneeded fat.
So even with all of this crap I'm dealing with, I'm focusing on things that will help me keep going, toward an amazing future. No, it hasn't been easy, but it rarely ever is. Life is hellbent on taking you out with any means possible, so it's only nature to turn around and fight back. Survival of the fittest. Emotionally, physically, etc. Whatever it takes, I'm going to keep going. Even if it means I have to turn around and punch Life right in its smug face.
*takes another drink and shakes her head at herself with a small smile*
Rambling goodness... Gotta love it.
I know I haven't updated since I flew out to Illinois on July 30th, but I'm here now... Still Jet Lagged from flying in last night 10pm while my brain was convinced it was 12am. I even stayed up til a quarter til 1am, and forced myself to crash. Got up at 8am, (or dragged myself would be the better way of putting it) came out and made a pot a coffee. A not so pleasant discussion transpired with my Father while the coffee brewed (yay for small emotional brainfarts) but I managed to calm down and start to wake up. I would've just slept in today, but I've got work at 11:30am, which means I leave around 10:20am.
Anyhoo, I'm done rambling now...or at least, for the time being and I'll try to update again when I get home and settled in for the night.
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