Cyberdyne, Venting and General Weirdness

There are moments where I’m forced back into myself. An abrupt stop into the depths of my memory warehouse and I’m standing before a screen, watching a piece of my life play before me. My chest tightens and my breath hitches, having become numb with feeling. I stand ever so still, hoping that the tsunami surging through me will subside quickly and I’ll be left in a calm state of silence. But it never works out that way… Finding myself choking on a horde of painful memories and the suppressed emotions that come attached to them.

When I learned a new addition to the Terminator series was going to be hitting theatres, I was torn. Terminator 2; Judgment Day sits right up there with Aliens as my all time favorite movies. It reminded me of good memories of my childhood…of my Dad. We could never get bored watching it. We used to argue over the third installment because it pissed me off and he thought I was being too harsh. Terminator Salvation made up for it and Dad was just glad that I geeked out over it. -chuckles- 

Remember how I mentioned my Dad loved space? He worked for Hughes Aerospace and was involved in really cool projects such as working on the brain of what he and his team called ‘Tweety’ because it was small and only propelled itself through space with “Mouse Farts” as he called it. It was created to orbit comets… I’m sure you’ve heard of those by now. Well, I’ve got a funny story for you. When T2 came out, he had mentioned to my big brother that he was working on a British Communications or Defense satellite (I can’t remember exactly but it’s still hilariously awesome) called, SkyNet. When my brother’s friend found out, apparently he went white. 

Never did find out if SkyNet ever made it into orbit…

-laughs softly and shakes her head- 

So despite hearing mixed reviews about the new installment, I was fortunate enough to go see it last night with one of my best friends. As a fellow Terminator fan, there was allot of shared geeking out (it was pretty funny) and the one thing that kept going through my head the entire movie was, “Dad would’ve loved this” and when we got to the end of the film (don’t worry, I won’t spoil it for you) I felt something inside me break and had to literally fight myself during the credits from completely falling apart. Tears dashed hot and silent along my skin and I had to force myself to be still; quickly wiping the offensive streams of moisture from my flesh.

When we stepped out into the nearly empty parking lot, a thick fog had appeared…the same swirling mist that always makes me feel as though he’s somehow with me, just on the other side of that grey veil. 

-pauses to take a hefty drink of coffee from her Nightmare Before Christmas thermos; swallowing the thick ball of emotion from the back of her throat-

It’s odd…how this seems to coincide with strange sightings of things that immediately bring my Dad to the forefront of my mind. I’ve been seeing my Dad’s old Toyota Pick Up (almost the exact same model) for the past two weeks. I was definitely Not looking for them and also, as popular as Toys are, the older models don’t usually show up in threes. I’ve seen Seven now. Never the same color, but the Exact model. This has Never happened before. Then, yesterday before finally going to see the movie, I kept seeing a huge dragonfly…and not in the same part of town. It kept showing up just above my head…and then I saw another Toyota Pick Up… So you can understand why it all crashed down on me at once after the movie.

I’ve been trying to keep myself together. Lately more of the emotions from those memories have been hitting me like a night terror that refuses to pry its cold dead fingers from your panicked soul.

Most days I’m able to keep my shit together. I don’t let myself drown in the past or what’s happened. I’m a little too preoccupied with what’s going to happen tomorrow. I’m trying so fucking hard to get the broken pieces of my life to fit back into something resembling normalcy. Yes, I’m still pretty damned lost in the forest…but I’ve managed to enjoy the trees. I’ve forced myself to see the good in everything. I’ve already got enough darkness welling up inside me that I don’t need it spilling over into my waking life.

Eh, I’m all over the place, but it feels good to get these chaotic thoughts out of my head before they start eating away at what’s left of my sanity.

-gives a small smile and shakes her head at herself-

I should probably talk about pleasant things, no?

I’m job hunting, been job hunting and hopefully something sticks soon…I know being a productive member of society will really quell the thoughts in my head. I miss being busy. I miss driving my Ellie. I miss being self-sufficient. The bitch of it is the simple fact that it hasn’t been enough. Thankfully, I’ve grown confident enough to just get on a bus and trust that I’ll get to where I need to go. 

I honestly need to start over. Completely redo my world. My main goal of getting to Salem Oregon hasn’t changed. There’s something deep down inside me that’s beckoning me to just ‘Go For It’, but what exactly? Hell if I know… There’s so much inside me that’s been transitioning that it’s hard to get my thoughts in order. I’m sure my words are all over the place right now, and I apologize for that. I think I just hit that point most writer’s know all too well, where you suddenly need to keep writing. Just let as much out as possible. Since we’re on the subject of being open… I’m in a weird state inside, especially when it comes to being in a relationship. I’ve been alone for awhile now and when I think about it, I’m okay. Sure, it’d be fantastic to have someone sit and bullshit with, watch bad movies and do our own version of mystery science theatre. Play video games, make fun of each other. Have really intense, intellectual conversations about evolution, space, history, life, animals, philosophy, theology and other random shit. To be complete and utter dorks together. It would be lovely. Yet, lately… I want to be alone. I don’t want to be touched. As though a switch went off inside and I don’t want to feel affection. I just don’t want to feel. Because once you start to really Feel again, you start to experience dormant emotions, which can only mean the others aren’t far behind. Feeling safe enough to show that part of myself makes it incredibly hard to keep the pain from reaching the surface. I don’t want to feel that vulnerable. Showing something that intimate can just give them another weapon to use. Another way to dig the blade a little deeper. Never give anyone too much of yourself…because somehow, you get screwed in the end. It’s not true for everyone, I know that. I can say with perfect honesty that I’m a whole lot of fucked up inside. That’s not a ‘pity-party’ statement for sympathy. Ya’ll should know me better than that. 

And to be honest, I hate crying. 

Maybe it’s just temporary. Could just be a wounded part of myself making itself known. A feeling that can only be described as follows; “Everything I love is ripped away from me. Better to become stone than shattered glass.” I think that made sense…

-Shrugs and takes a drink of her coffee; sad that it’s almost gone-

Oh and get this, I’ve been experiencing slight memory loss lately and have had to force myself to remember. I had to fight to remember dates. A part of my brain is holding things hostage. Literally sitting and trying to recall everything that’s happened from this very moment to back to right around the time my Dad first started getting sick… It’s the weirdest feeling. After I remember, it’s suddenly gone. As though my brain is only making cracks in the huge walls surrounding my memories. I know I have some form of PTSD, my brain just has this knack for protecting me from it, well…most of the time, especially in public. It’s really strange having to fight myself to remember things. I know for a damned fact it’s there (memories) hell, I can recall them just enough…but if I focus a little too long, my brain switches off. It’s seriously annoying. I thought I’d gotten passed that already. I guess not.

Things will get better. Or so I tell myself every chance I get. It works for the most part. Today? I got into an internal debate with myself and almost lost. There’s a chunk of myself that is very unhappy and decided that she was going to make a big ole stink about it when I wasn’t prepared. Heh, didn’t quite work out in her favor. I managed to shut her up by not giving in and just went to that quiet place deep inside that drowns me in peaceful shadows. I wasn’t going to waste my energy on her petty bullshit.

It’s funny. Remembering being emotional, letting it out poetically and getting feedback about needing to get over it. It wasn’t meant to be hurtful, just frank. Now I don’t get emotional because I don’t want to deal with it (as in myself, not others comments). I wouldn’t be able to stomach it. I’ve actually become that harsh voice that tells me to shut the fuck up, buck up and soldier on. Isn’t that weird? I used to be so soft, so innocent, so fucking naive… Does that happen when someone goes through allot of emotional trauma? A part of me really doesn’t give a shit anymore. I wonder if that has to do with learning that everyone leaves in the end, in some form or another. It’s just better to be closed off then allow that pain to ever happen again. 

Jesus…I sound so much like Riddick right now and not in a good way.

You know, it’s probably just a phase. This’ll pass. Sure, it’s been a weird process internally, but we all have our moments.

On a positive note, I’ve lost even more weight and have become more toned. I smile when I look in the mirror and see more definition. I don’t plan on gettin’ tiny, just trim. I’d rather be toned and strong than weak. Not being able to defend myself is not something I like thinking about. I never want to feel helpless again. 

You know, I think I’ve gone on long enough -smirks and shakes her head- 

Don’t worry, I’ll be okay. I always am. Haven’t given up yet, no matter how tempting…

Everything changes, so who knows…maybe something good is on its way and I’ll have a something good to focus on.

Yeah, that sounds good.

-Anon- 

Break On Through To The Other Side

Music travels through the delicate pathways of my eardrums as headphones cover my ears, drowning out the quiet of the early morning. Strange images still dance behind sleep filled eyes as an overactive mind tries to decipher their meaning. Symbols and themes caress my wayward thoughts; playful fireflies blinking off and on within the black as I try in desperation to capture them. Elusive little shits.

-chuckles and takes a drink of her coffee-

The sky was an endless darkness as night held the world in its secret embrace. The air was crisp and comforting, the scent of fall curling through my senses. A gentle reminder that the blaze of summer will end and the beauty of autumn will lovingly take its place.

The first scene I can remember, was walking into an apartment and realizing Jim Morrison was standing in front of me. “There she is!” He announced with a warm smile and wrapped his arms around me.

“Uh, holy shit hi!” I stuttered in surprise and hugged him back, eyes wide with astonishment.

He let go and smiled down at me, “I was just telling her about you.” Jim replied and motioned over his right shoulder toward the kitchen to the left of my vision. It was a faceless woman getting something out of the fridge with long, light blonde hair. 

“You were?” I asked the obvious, trying to wrap my brain around what I was experiencing. The room wasn’t modern, neither was their attire. I was literally standing in His time period; as though I had crossed a doorway through time without even realizing it. Which had literally been the door to his apartment.

“He was just telling us that he has this incredibly talented friend.” The woman quipped from across the room with a warm tone and motherly smile. 

Jim seemed to beam at this and wrapped his arm around my shoulders only to announce, “a friend I’ve known for years. Been awhile since we’ve seen each other.” 

I smiled and leaned into his embrace before he let his arm slip away. “It has been awhile.”

“Well it’s good to see you Cat.” Jim replied when another woman, a strawberry blonde who’s face I couldn’t place but I felt as close to her as I did Jim.

“Honey, don’t forget.” She said in the softest voice that reminded me of spring sunlight dancing along my skin. “You’ve still got to head out.” She then saw me and gave a bright smile, “Hey lovely.”

A warm smile filled my face, “Hey beautiful.” I replied and returned her little wave before she disappeared down a hallway.

“Well, gotta head out. Don’t be a stranger, alright? Things are different now.” Jim explained and held the door open, as if he were going to head out before me.

Something in my stomach tensed and a bad feeling danced the length of my spine. “Wait!”

I was cut off by the smile he gave me, an odd kind of sadness filling his soulful eyes. “It’s okay kitty-cat.” He mused softly and stepped through the door.

-takes another drink from her Nightmare Before Christmas Thermos-

Scene changed again, but it was still night. I was in that familiar beach city created somewhere in the back of my mind. That place I mentioned before. I was with another group of friends, looking in the distance toward the heavens when something strange happened.

There was a pulsing fog against the black of night, almost like a veil, and as I watched, I could see those other planets I’ve spoken about, the twisting iridescent galaxy and something else. Another huge planet with a thin rim of rings, something I haven’t seen before. 

“Can you see it?!” I exclaimed like a child seeing Santa’s slay high above the houses. 

“Barely, what is that?” The faceless female friend to my right replied and I growled in frustration.

“I need my camera.” I thought aloud, turned and ran back toward the small building we were all residing in, found my camera and came charging back out and almost ate-shit down the small flight of stairs leading down into the grass. I ignored my moment of grace and started snapping pictures. Somehow, the camera picked up more then what the human eye could see.

It was the same planets, same galaxy and that added goliath to the right. My heart leapt into the back of my throat at the thought that this was real. I finally had proof. I could finally show everyone what I had been talking about. It was so beautiful I started to get choked up and knew that if Dad were still alive, he would’ve loved this.

-pauses as her chest threatens to tighten and takes a drink of her coffee-

I had started walking back to the building alone, glancing at the pictures I had just taken when one male friend was waiting for me near the glass doors. I gave a small smile and trotted up the small flight and had noticed another friend of ours down near a hedge about fifteen feet away when the guy to my left called out.

“Dude, book it! You’ve got a Mountain Lion trailing!”

My eyes turn to my right and I see a very large, dark golden Mountain Lion crouched, crawl-sprinting toward him when I ran across the front of the building and stopped until I was about ten feet before the large cat. “Hey! Ease down!”

The cat tensed as if scolded and relaxed, stood and brought it’s huge golden eyes to my face. It’s posture completely changed from going in for the kill to playful and relaxed. “It’s okay, he won’t hurt you, will you baby?” I said in a soft voice and the cat started walking casually toward me. I felt absolutely no fear for my safety.

“Don’t let him get close, he’ll kill you!” The guy shouted behind me and the Mountain Lion’s eyes focused on the men behind me and it’s posture changed. It thought I was being threatened. “Hurry up and get over here so we can go inside!”

I was torn. I wanted to spend time with the Mountain Lion, but if I did it would have no problem eating my friends and they weren’t about to leave me out there. “Fuck it.” I spat under my breath, threw my head back and let out a wolf howl. At first, the large cat stopped and just looked at me in confusion. I paused to take a breath and let out an even louder howl but this time, the cat seemed excited and start trotted happily toward me.

“Dammit, Erin! It’s only calling it closer to you! Get your ass over here!”

With a snarl of frustration I booked it over to my friends and went inside the building. I could see the Mountain Lion make his way up the stairs as if he owned the place and just shook my head. “He wouldn’t have hurt me.” I stated in a low voice and looked a little to the right on our side of the glass where another Mountain Lion was curled up, fast asleep. I turned toward the men, their shared expression of fear and shock bringing a sinister smile to my lips. I purred, “They’d never hurt their mother.”

-|-

Weird dreams huh? 

-chuckles and takes another drink of her coffee-

Yeah, I don’t get it either. Wish I could transfer the images of that other universe into pictures. Every time I see that place, that other solar system… I think of my Dad. He loved Space so much…

Anyhoo, on that note…I’m gunna try to wake up properly and maybe play s’more Agar.io. Now that’s a fun game that’ll eat your brain cells. Especially when you play under the name Ellen Ripley and end up on the leader board -grins evilly- I highly recommend it.

-Adieu

Find Me In Dreams

When that comforting shadow of night begins to curl around my tired form, I find myself being carried away toward a familiar place. I've been there so many times before that it's become my second home. A place with endless blue skies and crystal clear seas. Where sometimes I find myself looking up toward the heavens and see distant worlds staring back at me. It's the same planetoids every time. There are two specifically that stay together. One is six times larger than our moon, and the one in front of it, on the lower left hand side is three times larger. Both are water planets, especially the larger one. Seeing them in the early afternoon sky is just breath taking. The suns are also just as beautiful, one right next to the other. A white giant with a slightly smaller golden sister. 

I don't know why I've been dreaming of this place, but it's been happening for as far back as I can remember. If you think that sounds beautiful, seeing those planets ghosting the darkness above your head with a massive twisting galaxy in the distance would take your breath away. The inner portion shimmering with vibrant purples, electric blues and glowing greens... My words will never do it justice. 

It's also in this special dreamscape that I've had familiar company for the past few weeks. In those brief moments I'm not alone. I feel wanted, safe and dare I say... Loved.

-|-

Sheets tangled along a resting form as she shifted her legs, having curled onto her left side, the pillow soft and welcoming. Fighting the urge to get up, she buried her face against its softness, as if she could somehow melt away and be consumed in all that comfort. Of course the effort was futile and she was now unfortunately, wide awake.

A groan trapped itself in the back of her throat when she felt the bed move followed by a firm body pressing up against her from behind.

Petal soft lips left a kiss on the nape of her neck. "Comfy?" A rich growl of a voice rumbled out in question, sending delicious waves of heat to travel down her spine and nearly made her shudder.

A slow nod of the head, "MmHm." She murmured softly and felt him place his chin on her shoulder.

"Ready to get up?" He asked in that low thunder and chuckled when she shook her head and hid her face against her pillow. A smile pulled at the edge of his lips when he quipped, "you're adorable." draped his arm over her waist and pulled her flush against him; the naked expanse of his well muscled chest pressed against the softness of her exposed back. She let out a surprised squeak at the sudden closeness of him and pulled the sheet over her head.

An appreciative laugh filled the quiet darkness of the bedroom as she tried, and failed, to hide under the sheet between them. With shake of his head, he pulled the thin material back long enough to push her onto her back, position himself to where she was forced to wrap her legs around his narrow waist as he draped himself along her body and gave a rueful grin. "Helllloooo nurse!" He exclaimed with a wiggle of his brow and let out a low chuckle when she rolled her eyes at him. 

A small hand smacked him playfully on his left bicep. "Dork!" She retorted with a smile and squeaked when he wiggled himself against her.

"But you're so adorable!" He managed to put his hands on either side of her face as he said this. "I just can't help myself!" 

Her eyes narrowed into slits as he proceeded to smoosh her cheeks making her look like a puffer fish. "Look at that face!" He sing-songed teasingly and pressed his forehead against hers until she was drowning in his irises. 

She blinked as he just stayed that way for almost a minute when he finally mused, "hi." And quickly flew back when she let out a warning growl and launched forward, ready to headbutt him.

"You jerk!" She snapped while trying to pinch his sides and let out an irritated growl when he grabbed her by the wrists and pinned her arms down against the mattress. "You're lucky I like you..."

"Oh really?" He purred with a husky laugh and quirked a brow. "Thems fightin' words, little lady."

She scoffed as a devious grin danced across her full lips. "Come closer and I'll show you." Her words were wrapped in silk but he knew better.

"Oh no, I'm not falling for it." He countered with a smirk when she she tried to bring her legs up and decided to pin her down with his weight, knowing she was trying to put her feet against his chest to push him off. "I don't think so, you saucy little lynx."

A sigh of defeat danced through her clenched teeth as she relaxed against the mattress, knowing she wasn't about to go anywhere with his goofy ass pinning her there. She had to change tactics. Instead, she decided to play nice. "Can I please get up?"

He searched her face with a weary expression, "I don't know..." he trailed off and canted his head to the left and added, "can you?"

Murder flashed in her eyes which made him laugh, "I'm kidding!" He exclaimed and not only let up, but rolled off the bed to get out of her way. He knew better than to get within hitting distance. That woman was deadly with a pillow.

Eyeing him carefully, she slowly sat up, swung her legs off the bed and just glared at him. When he put up his hands in defeat, she stood and started stretch her tired muscles when she was suddenly flung back onto the bed; he had snuck up and tackled her back down against the mattress.

Before she could unleash a torrent of curses she was suddenly silenced... As the feeling of those soft lips pressed against hers in a possessive kiss caused all brain function to cease to exist.

-|-

Just a small tidbit from the dreams I've been having lately. Incredibly adorkable, I know. 

-gives a small smile and takes a drink of her coffee-

As pleasant as they've been, the warm feeling tends to drain away once I realize it was only a dream. It's odd to say that lately, I've been looking forward to falling asleep, knowing that in that dreamscape, I have someone waiting for me...

-gives a Gaelic shrug-

Not sure what they mean, but they're still lovely just the same.

-Adieu

Ghostly Echoes Dance in Her Eyes

Heat slithers along the flesh causing a wave of faerie like pearls of moisture to appear along a living landscape; the body's attempt at cooling a sleeping form as the mind remains in dreamscape. Yet within that pleasant inner world, not all is what it seems. Words, unexpected and spoken with no regard to the damage they could cause, forces all conversation to come to an abrupt stop. The pause seems to stretch out into eternity as I just stood there, feeling the aftermath of what those words provoked and feel a sting threaten the lash line.

I was standing between two faceless friends, speaking about something so mundane that it's almost hard to remember. The person to my right had asked about a salary of some kind and I had simply stated something along the lines of, "I believe it was eight dollars an hour." when just after a breath, the person to my left spoke. Her tone was as cool and unfeeling as a robot speaking about the uselessness of human emotion.

"It was seven an hour." she corrected firmly, "You know, you keep doing that. Since you never know what you're talking about, you should just stop talking and keep your mouth shut."

The person to my right just blinked shock from her eyes at what she'd just heard, saw the look fall over my face and was about to go off when I was pulled roughly from the dream, sat straight up in bed and choked on the sobs that had crawled up from the back of my throat as tears began streaming down my face.

Rattled, I checked the time, a little after 8am, wiped the offensive moisture from my eyes and decided I needed to get dressed and walk to the store. A quarter to 9 o'clock I was out the door and walking. Despite how tight and sore every muscle is from my hips down due to running amok this past weekend bare foot in the sand and the lovely sunburn I've acquired (absolutely worth it), I needed to get a few things. I didn't care that the temperature outside was already at 95 degrees Fahrenheit (with humidity) and climbing. I was so emotionally thrown by waking up in tears that I skipped coffee altogether. Many of you who know me well enough, know that something has to be wrong if I consciously choose not to have coffee the first thing when I wake up.

The walk was pleasant enough despite the torrid rays of the sun searing my already cooked flesh. The soreness throughout my tired form actually appreciated the short trek to and back from the corner mart, allowing everything to stretch and loosen enough so that my movement has become more fluid and not as jerky due to how much my legs have swollen from rapid muscle growth.

It allowed me to clear the fading echoes of those painful words from my mind, but the feelings struggled to find purchase, leaving an uncomfortable lump of anxiety in the back of my throat. Even now as I listen to Pandora, familiar music haunting my senses and soothing the inner beast...there's a ghostly tightening in my chest. Slowly but surely it'll pass, especially now that I'm on my second cup of coffee; an old comfort that's never failed me when I was at my lowest.

And on that note, I'm going to go entertain myself for a bit and possibly write something more interesting when I get back, especially since I was at Belmont Shore's Pirate Invasion this past weekend ;)

-pauses when Led Zeppelin's, "When The Levee Breaks" starts playing and grows a genuine smile-

See you later, muh lovelies.

-Adieu

Leviathan of Emotion

The rumble of engines whispers through my thoughts as cars drive along the hot pavement; waves of heat lifting into the air as the temperature reads 91 degrees Fahrenheit. It's reasonably comfortable here on the shaded porch, allowing me to seek sanctuary outdoors. Common folk would find me rather odd to sit in such high temperatures when there is a working air conditioner just within the apartment. Though tempting, I find it more comforting to be outside. And as I type this on the small screen of my phone, a cool breeze has begun to dance around me. Yet another comfort to keep me exactly where I am.

It's strange to think that I had a numbness residing just inside my thoughts this past week and wasn't entirely sure why. I was aware that it possibly had to do with Father's Day because every time I actively thought of it, my mind abruptly switched to something else. As though it were simply protecting me from the onslaught of emotions that would barrel through me when the day finally arrived. In fact, this morning I was perfectly content. I even decided to change my profile picture on Facebook due to entertaining myself last night with makeup and a camera. I thought I was okay. Up until I made the conscious decision to post a picture of my 7th birthday...

That's when the gates cracked and emotion began to stream silently down my face. It was painfully apparent I needed to withdraw from social media and try to regain my bearings. The more I fought it, the larger the cracks became and the next thing I know, while I was making my third and last cup of coffee, I froze. Everything inside went terribly still, much like the quiet before the storm. Before I could reach for the spoon to mix my coffee, I was suddenly holding onto the counter for dear life as horrific sobs tore through me. I was overtaken by grief, cowering under the weight of my tears as I struggled to breathe. Even when I thought I had found my way back, defiantly wiping at my face as I finished making my coffee to my liking... I rinsed the spoon and went to set it down when the deafening sound of blood rushing through my veins pulsed within my eardrums and not only did I clench my jaws to stop myself from wailing as the tears spilled from my eyes, every ounce of strength was suddenly drained from my body and I collapsed in a trembling heap against the kitchen floor. I had succumb to the pain that was tearing through my heart and mind like an enraged bear dismembering unskilled hunters trespassing in it's cave.

I sobbed and growled under my breath, hating what this was doing to me. Feeling so very small and needing so desperately to find any sense of control. My internal battle of needing to cry and programmed not to. A self taught mechanism to go numb and silent if the feeling ever threatened to show itself. To weep, to allow those salty trails of unabashed emotion to flow is terrifying. Yet when I am alone, that feeling of being cut open and exposed is at the furthest reaches of my mind and that's when it finds me, takes hold of me and rips me apart.

After what felt like an eternity; time having stretched and warped like a Salvador Dali painting, the white noise rushing through my ears subsided and I was able to take a calming breath. It is there in that quiet moment, that I was able to get back on my feet and feel more like myself. The sorrow had began to dissipate, slithering back into the darkness within the catacombs of my mind where it will lie in wait; silent and patient for another opportunity to attack.

For the moment, I am calm. I can still feel it coiled inside my chest, but it appears to have been sated for the time being. 

As I sit out on the porch, the temperature slowly rising, I'm comforted once more by the cool breeze dancing playfully around my body. Whispering reassurances only my soul can hear. 

A small smile pulls at the valley of my full lips but doesn't reach my eyes; swollen and heavy from what I just experienced not that long ago. There are things to be done and water to be consumed. I will try, to the best of my ability, to remain in this calm state I'm now in. I think t'would be best, to catch up on the Alien Isolation gameplay I had meant to finish watching last night but found sleep to be more beneficial.

So on that note, I shall proceed back into the cool, darkness of the apartment and watch Markiplier descend into the awe-inspiring horror of my childhood favorite franchise.

-Adieu

Serpentine Dreamscapes

There’s a stillness within me, a strange energy that lies in wait, hidden behind the dancing shadows of my memory warehouse. I close my eyes, take a deep needed breath and let it out slowly as the haunting melody of a Russian Lullaby, ‘Tili tili bom’ pours through the speakers covering my ears. It’s the kind of song that slithers through the nerve endings and makes the delicate hairs on the back of your neck bristle and stand on end. I love this kind of music…as though I have a small horror movie playing quietly in the back of my vast imagination.

It brings a little warmth to my twisted little heart -gives a small smile and takes a drink of her strong coffee-

Something interesting to add, I had strange dreams the other day. What most would consider a nightmare was simply a normal occurrence for me. 

I can’t remember the entirety of the dream, there were a few familiar faces but the moments with them were too fleeting to focus on. I knew it was pleasant; warmth emanating from their eyes and gentle words. I didn’t feel alone.

The oddness was when I was holding what I knew was a baby king cobra, but she was a soft pink-beige with off-white patterns, bright almost pearlescent white-blue eyes with pink lining her lips. Absolutely adorable. I knew that she wasn’t threatened as she coiled her body around my left wrist and rose her body up to face me. There was a point where another snake, a viper with the same coloring, accidentally caught the skin of my arm and I gently pried it off and placed it on the ground. I remember the curve of its fangs; they were massive. Next segment I was looking at the young Cobra and watched as her mouth unhinged. I closed my eyes and turned my head as she sprayed me. Not only did I have a touch of deadly venom coursing through my arm, I now had it on my neck.

Strange how when I looked down at the crook of my arm, the veins there were a terrible black and blue and I looked infected. There was very little pain and when I looked at the person across from me, he gave me confused eyes and said, “You’re immune.”

I gave a sly grin and replied, “not the first time I’ve had venom in my veins.” and watched as a look of horror filled his eyes…

…and woke up.

Yeah, weird I know. 

Snakes in dreams are very symbolic, especially for me. I know how my mind works when I’m dreaming. They’re little messages I have to decipher and in this case, they’re good omens. I have an affinity for snakes, especially the more venomous species (go figure lol) and I find it rather amusing that it was two snakes, much like the charm I wear around my neck. 

Should be interesting to when I do a little research on it after I finish this blog O’doom.

-yawns and takes another drink of her magical coffee-

I’ve been getting this itch to write a horror story, I’m just at odds with how I want to start it. The only way I’m ever going to create it, is if I write/type one word at a time. Once you start, it’s like a levee snaps open and you’re suddenly flooded in a world living just behind your eyes that wants so desperately to be shared.

Not gunna lie, writing for me, especially scary stories, makes me feel better. I can’t really explain it. Being able to create something and have others experience it and enjoy what you’ve created…there’s no better feeling in the world. It’s amazingly enriching. It’s something my Dad believed I should pursue, something he thought I was born to do… Maybe he was right.

-gives a small smile-

Anyhoo, I’m gunna stop here, do that research I mentioned and start jotting down notes for what I’m probably going to start writing.

Wish me luck!

-Adieu

..Like Sugar and Cyanide, Our Worlds are Meant to Collide...

A strange thrum echoes within the pathways of the body as muscles ache; tense from sleep. A yawn breaks the quiet followed by a shake of the head. It feels like one of those mornings. Not a bad one, just...the kind where you feel as though you've been hit by a Mac Truck in the middle of the night and only now are you starting to feel the impact.

Thank the almighty caffeine gods for coffee. -raises her Nightmare Before Christmas Thermos in salute before taking a much needed gulp of its delicious contents-

Oooh I just put on Pandora Radio and was immediately met with "You Spin Me Round(Like a Record)" and couldn't help but start wiggling/dancing in place -laughs softly- Ah yes, morning shenanigans...how I love thee ^_^

-chuckles and shakes her head- I've been actively fighting myself to stay positive recently. Yes, I've got something awful living behind my eyes but I'm not going to give it the satisfaction it so desperately craves. It will not rule me. Yes, I'm battling with emotions that are steadily tearing me down as I struggle to keep going forward. We all have those days or points in our lives where you know the world isn't out to get you, but it literally feels like it. 

As though you've been fighting through each level, gaining XP and amazing equipment and you're really convinced you can take on anything...well, within reason, when you get to the next part and the boss battle completely obliterates you. It wouldn't suck as much if you didn't happen to lose basically Everything you've earned the Entire Journey to this point. In a single instant...it's taken away. As if your attempts never meant a god damned thing.

You've been rolling high and even a few 20's but you come across the wrong foe and you're mortified by the 1 you've dropped. It's not just a critical fail, oh no...it's so epic you don't just lose a few limbs, you lose half of everything you've worked for and barely make it out alive.

That's how it makes me feel... And if you didn't know, I am a Gamer. -grins-

-squeaks and begins rocking out to 'Girl's Just Wanna Have Fun' by Cyndi Lauper-

Damn that just brought me back to my childhood...watching The Goonies with my Dad and dreaming about going to Oregon. Good memories :)

I finally did get to go by that coastline and I miss it soo very much. I just miss Oregon. I haven't talked about it in awhile, seeing as my plans to head north were derailed temporarily because the Fates decided I had some more experience to gain. I still plan on making my way up there. I want to aim for Salem (because I've got family there) and because it's always felt like home. I remember how I would describe it to Dad and he actually wanted to move up there too. That was the plan before he got sick. He was going to help me by coming out to Oregon with me, help getting a place and that way we'd still be close to each other. 

So I have this drive deep down inside me to find my way there. Though my Ellie is not running and I'm still waiting to hear back from Starshmucks for an Interview, things may not be as productive as they were last year around this time, I haven't given up yet. I will drag myself, broken and bleeding if I have to. Dramatic yes, but an accurate depiction to how gorramned determined I am about making this happen.

Stubborn? Oh shuga, you've got no idea. -gives a sly grin-

Oh sweet buttery geezuss, 'Enter Sandman' by Metallica just started playing! Oh how I love good music! I definitely need more coffee...-scampers off to get another cup-

I'm still somewhat out of sorts, but I'm actively making myself get through it. I can feel the tendrils of withdrawal sliding along my spirit, searching for any weakness so it can grab me and drag me down the rabbit hole. Somehow I've been able to shrug it off and felt that terrible creature slink back in defeat. I cannot allow myself to be poisoned by negativity. 

I've gone through too much and come too far to let myself fail now. Yes, I've just survived the most intensely painful experiences in less than 3 years time, but I can't give up now. Yes I'm still very wounded and have barely even begun to heal inside, no I'm not the same person I was before. But that's the beauty of life. Change. A metamorphosis of the person we were into the person we'll eventually become.

Yes!! -flails- 'Bohemian Rhapsody' just started playing! -sways and starts singing along-

Damn, really makes me want to go out for karaoke again. The one song we all sing, no matter who I'm with, we end the night singing this and head banging as epically as possible and generally get the entire place to sing along with us -lets out a soft laugh- Good lord I do some really crazy things in public XD Well, at least I'm entertaining everyone and making people laugh. That's something that has always made me feel better as a person no matter how crappy I'd been feeling. Knowing that I've brought joy to someone, even for a second, brings warmth to my heart. I love making people smile and laugh. I don't care how ridiculous or unattractive I look, if I've managed to raise your spirits, I've done my job.

-sways back and forth happily as The Doors, "Alabama Song (Whisky Bar)" starts playing through the headphones- Yet another favorite song...especially since another nicname of mine is Whisky -laughs and shakes her head before taking another drink of her strong coffee of doom-

Heh, after I sat here enjoying the silliness of that song, the next one makes me stop. The haunting beat coils through me and pushes old sensory memories to the surface. Remembering how I felt and who I was all those years ago when this first played on the radio. Kind of fitting for how I've been feeling for some time now too. "What it's like" by Everlast from 1998

Still an incredibly powerful song and I can't believe it's been 17 years. That's a young adult right there -chuckles and shakes her head-

Well my lovelies, I'm gunna end it here, drink me some more coffee and find interesting things to occupy my brainmeats with. See ya'll on the flipside ;)

-Adieu